What exactly is a euphemism?
We ought to know because we use them every day.
Euphemisms: 1. the substitution of a mild, indirect, or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh, or blunt. 2. the expression so substituted: “To pass away” is a euphemism for “to die.”
To give you a picture of my world of late….here’s some common euphemisms I would use to describe my thoughts.
Bun in the oven = pregnant (Nicole’s 27th birthday is today….and she’s overdue with baby #2!)
Expecting = pregnant (see above)
In an interesting condition = pregnant (ditto)
With child = pregnant (more of the same)
So why all the definitions of pregnant? On this day, twenty-seven-years-ago, I gave birth for the first time to my daughter Nicole, who is past due with her baby number #2.
Rightly so, much of my daytime thoughts are now revolving around her impending labor intermixed with memories of my own so many years ago. Nighttime thoughts also revolve around babies and giving birth since I’m keeping my phone next to my bed with the ringer set at its loudest possible so I’m sure to hear it ring when I “get the call” that Nicole is in labor.
I’ve already had two middle of the night false-alarms when I jumped out of bed (and almost out of my skin) recently when a nameless child texted me with a single word, “pepperoni,” which I realized was in answer to the type of pizza I should order for the following day. And second, another nameless child texted me as to what time we’ll leave for home (his home) the following day.
I have a few euphemisms I’d like to share with those who are tempted to text/call my phone in the middle of the night before this new baby arrives…do you mind if I list them here?
The next person who decides to bring information to me not related to Nicole’s baby in the middle of the night is hence forth subject to:
Friendly fire = Death By Accidental Artillery Fire From One’s Own Forces (or family)
and may find themselves -
Having gone to feed the fishes = die
Meeting their maker = die
No longer with us = die
Pushing up daisies = die
Six feet under = die
In other words, please don’t disrupt my fragile sleep until after this baby arrives…I’m already “on pins and needles” and don’t want “sleep the big sleep” before Logan’s little brother makes his surreptitious entry. 
