When Less is More (except in the case of hope)

It’s Friday morning and I’m getting ready to watch a film about our current president. Inside, I admit I’m hesitant because people who have already seen this movie say it is frightening in its implications.

Not exactly the feeling I’m going for at the beginning of a holiday weekend.

And yet.

I always preach it to my kids that it’s better (and easier in the long run) knowing than not knowing where we stand (or our country stands) than playing ignorant. But beyond gaining information, I’m all for getting prepared, doing what we can, and praying in specifics not generalities.

Whenever I’ve had to face something scary, it helps me immensely to become an information gatherer, prepare as I’m able, and then sit down and lay out all my fears/concerns to the One who hears and faithfully answers.

Without fail, I grow more hopeful, not less. (Not because I necessarily get what I pray for, but because I’ve handed my fears off.)

At a time in our country’s history when so much of what we’ve taken for granted has been tipped upside down and inside out…I lean heavily on the hope that it’s not too late to set a different and better course for every one of us.

Here’s a short excerpt from David Jeremiah’s essay, When Less Is More, that I happened upon this morning.

Less plays a significant role in our lives. On the one hand, it’s good to be fearless, ceaseless, ageless, cordless, errorless, guiltless, painless, and odorless. On the other hand, we don’t want to be jobless, friendless, homeless, penniless, fruitless, shiftless, spineless, aimless, careless, feckless, or lifeless – especially lifeless! But of all the things we don’t want to have less of, none is so important as hope. We definitely need to have less hopelessness.

And hope is derived from an unlikely source: tribulations. “Tribulations produce perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint. Romans 5:3-5

So while I’m good with the whole “less is more” concept in general, in regard to hope, I’m a more is better kind of gal because I know one thing for sure; more hope = less disappointment.

When One Plus One Equals Way More Than You Think

“There are no words to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematician that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one.” Chesterson

I woke up yesterday morning planning on a day to finish up some work and more importantly, get myself emotionally prepared to take my son back to school.

Then my son hit me with, “I think I want to go back today.”

Inside I was groaning.
Outside, I nodded and calmly said okay.

I realized I better hurry up and quick work through my internal resistance to sending him off for another year of school.

Mind you, my son is not in elementary school, middle, or even high school.

This is his third year of college and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever get used to the late summer drive back to Ann Arbor carrying a literal truckload of his stuff (and a generous portion of my heart.)

I hate goodbyes.

Hate.
Them.

I would much rather not say anything than speak that dreaded two-syllable word.

Good.
Bye.

From where I sit, there’s no, “good” in the “bye.” Ever.

So I prefer the rather limpy and innocuous farewell, “See you later…” which of course, implies sooner rather than later. I like that.

You see, moms think (and add) differently than other folks.

In my way of thinking…

One mom plus one son equals way more than two single dimensional family members.

Factor in sharing delicious meals, wonderful coffee, in-depth conversations, cleaning projects, action movies, and lots of philosophical bantering…well, that’s a whole lot more than skimpy one-dimensional interaction.

I’m finding the older my kids get, the more we have to talk about, discuss, and explore.

It’s like opening the pages of a book and all the letters coming flying out and you grab at one after another…always finding more and more to choose from on the next page.

I suppose the biggest surprise to me as a mom to four young adults is that each of them uniquely adds richness to my life.

And I’m not talking simple addition here, I’m thinking exponentially…a thousand times a thousand.

Parenting, it’s the job description/life role where the wonder and discovery never end (and where the goodbyes are never permanent.)

Are You Who You Want to Be? When Pleasing Others Becomes a Prison of Our Own Making

I recall a conversation I had with a friend many years ago when I told him I was really hoping for an exciting life.

I didn’t think I had expressed anything to A) get upset about, or B) react with disdain/disappointment over.

Evidently I did both.

This friend paused and then responded with a statement that ran something along these lines.

Aren’t you asking for trouble in desiring an “exciting life?”

No, not really.

Maybe his idea of excitement runs different than mine.

But all I meant was that I wanted to use everything I’ve been given to create something worthwhile, something (anything) that made my heart sing (when doing the creating) whenever I engaged in it.

I know Max Lucado calls this finding our “sweet spot” when our gifts/talents/passions all meet together and then Bam! an explosion of wonderful feelings explode inside of us and this creative action then causes a chain reaction of beautiful expressions that bless other people too.

Which brings me back to my conversation from over thirty years ago (but which I still recall in high def clarity), I remember the sound of disappointment in my friend’s voice when I shared my heart. His response, though I’m sure he meant well, hurt me.

It also caused me to doubt myself and invalidate my desires. I remember spending too much time after that talk trying to figure out if I was right or if my friend was.

Of course, every time I failed (which is, like, almost constantly) I heard his judgment ring in my ears and dampen my spirit.

The funny thing is I can see myself speaking the exact same words today (and sometimes do) but now my reaction to my friend would be different. Night and day different.

I believe I would try to gently challenge my friend’s faulty assumptions and bring him over to my side. But I wouldn’t spend too much time trying to do so.

After all, life’s too short to waste so much time trying to convince somebody else my way is right (because, many times, it’s not.)

Today is all I’ve got. It’s all you’ve got too.

And if you find yourself agreeing with that sentiment, listen to one of my favorites from Switchfoot along the same theme.

This Is Your Life

Are you who you wanna be?

If You Hear Me Using the Word “Opportunity” – Then You’re Obligated to Knock Me Upside the Head

I love Seth Godin.

I like his style (writing style, that is.)
I like his message.
I like that he never pulls any punches.
I like that every time I pick up a book written by him, I learn something that changes me.

I’m reading, Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us, and it’s just excellent.

The difficulty I’m having is deciding what to share today out of this marvelous book before I have to return it to the library.

Decisions. Decisions.

Finally, after thumbing through the book’s pages again, I decided to share the single theme that represents Godin’s overall message for everyone wanting to engage in their life, not just let it pass them by.

Godin astutely differentiates between the terms opportunity and obligation. People will say, “I couldn’t pass this opportunity by…” Godin says, “If you’re in the position to make a difference, you have the obligation to go for it.”

See the difference?

Most people (myself included) look around and assess whether or not they have what it takes to change something, right a wrong, correct a mistake, forge a different path, whatever…and sees these assets as opportunities to make a difference.

Godin disagrees. He strongly believes men and women who have what it takes (to accomplish any of the above) are thereby obligated to try to do so morally/ethically.

Here’s some of Godin’s thoughts on opportunities vs. obligations and how to tell the difference.

Not too far from us, a few blocks away, there are kids without enough to eat and without parents who care. A little farther away, hours by plane, are people unable to reach their goals because they live in a community that just doesn’t have the infrastructure to support them. A bit farther away are people being brutally persecuted by their governments. And the world is filled with people who can’t go to high school, never mind college, and who certainly can’t spend their time focused on whether or not they get a good parking space at work.

And so, the obligation; don’t settle.

To have all these advantages, all this momentum, all these opportunities and then settle for mediocre and then defend the status quo and then worry about corporate politics – what a waste.

Flynn Berry wrote that you should never use the word “opportunity.” It’s not an opportunity, it’s an obligation.

I don’t think we have any choice. I think we have an obligation to change the rules, to raise the bar, to play a different game, and to play it better than anyone has any right to believe is possible.

The older I get, the more I feel compelled to act. Obligated.

Decisively.
Emphatically.
Unwaveringly.

Godin outlines the principle, Wesley conveys the plan.

Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can. John Wesley

Back to the School of Life (where the learning curve never ends)

Today marks the first day of the back to school rush here at my home.

Before I know it, I’ll be watching that big yellow school bus drive by every morning. I’ll also be getting up much earlier than I have since early June (two hours earlier) and when that annoying sing-song-y alarm goes off, my heart always skips a beat.

Then the morning routine takes over.

Make coffee.
Make family breakfast.
Give family their lunches.
Say good-bye to family.
Tackle my own never-ending to-do list.

After so many years of this familiar routine, I can function through much of it without a second thought.

Routine can be a good thing.

It helps us stay on task without exerting lots of wasted energy.
It builds healthy parameters around our lives.

Routine can also be the very thing that kills you.

It makes bad habits so easy to keep indulging in.
It can put people into an endless stupor so that they aren’t even participating in their own life anymore.

And that can happen to any of us or all of us.

There’s something about getting that dreaded phone call/email/text/conversation and having to deal with the very last thing you ever hoped/expected/wanted to happen to you/your family/friends/colleagues that makes us all sit up and take notice.

It’s simply called the school of life…the one place where the learning curve never ends. Nor should it.

I never make New Year’s resolutions.

I do, however, set a few new goals at the beginning of every school year.

In order for it to be a legitimate goal means aiming for something I have failed at in the past, haven’t yet had the guts to try, or get nervous just thinking about doing.

This is my week to set the goals, put them on paper, and start planning on making them a part of my life (and I have a love/hate relationship with it every single time because I’m half terrified, half excited about what could happen this year if I put my heart into making these next twelve months transformational ones.)

For me, setting goals feels just like the first day of school and I have to decide for myself if I’m willing to go through the uncomfortable to reach someplace better (inside myself.)

Getting on or getting off?

Understanding Women – Good Luck with That

When I saw this photo yesterday, I smiled. I took a second look. And a third. I smiled again.

Then I did something I rarely do on FB, I shared it on my wall.

The reaction was immediate and colorful and full of good-hearted fun.

It was also true.

If we’re all honest, I doubt there’s a woman alive whose words/actions/attitudes haven’t caused the men in their lives to walk away shaking their heads in confusion/amazement/frustration.

I’ll be the first to own up to this. It’s happened to me more times than I can count.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly (mid-life-ish-ly) emotional…I can get hurt feelings when the people (male and female) in my life don’t get it (or me.)

I already feel like something’s going haywire inside my head…the last thing I need is some guy with a missing chromosome shaking his head at me for goodness sake.

At those unpredictable hormonal intersections of life…I really just want to be patted on the shoulder (gently) and reassured that everything will be okay.

Oh…and a piece of dark chocolate wouldn’t hurt either.

So imagine how touched I was this morning when one of my wonderful sons-in-law told me that he trusted my judgment.

I felt like crying (happy tears)…I mean, there are moments, hours, days even, in the past year when I don’t trust my own judgment…but it sure felt good that someone else (whom I respect and love) still does.

For just today I’m not going to make the attempt at figuring out my volatile emotions…I’m going to go easy on myself and possibly even treat myself to a full-blown “jammy” day…more details on that delightful concept another day (thanks Denise!)

All you men out there, win some big points with the women in your life today and just smile sweetly (pretending you understand them) and touch them in a reassuring way and then very quickly now (we don’t want anyone losing a hand here) reach out with a bar of fine chocolate and drop it into your favorite female’s hand.

You might just make it out alive. Maybe.

Doggone Cats! Honestly

Yesterday afternoon one of my daughters called me to the kitchen window to see what our two remaining kittens (from our latest batch of prolific felines) were up to…no good.

I think it’s common knowledge that I struggle mightily with growing flowers, but honestly now, when the kittens decide to make their resting spot in one of my flower pots, it’s going too far.

I’ve just added yet another reason why my garden won’t grow.

The truth is they’re cute (when they’re little.)
They’re funny (when they’re little.)
They’re amusing (when they’re little.)

But to my mind that all changes when kittens grow into cats and their independent spirit takes over and they could care less about the “house rules” that our dogs follow.

Which brings me to the parallel between dogs/cats and kids.

I recently read a poll from Parents.com and these values are what parents wanted their kids to emulate most as they grow up. The results surprised me.

54 percent: Kindness/compassion
22 percent: Responsibility
10 percent: Respect
8 percent: Honesty
4 percent: Other
2 percent: Tolerance

I’m all for kindness/compassion and encourage it still in my now adult children (and remind myself countless times a day to respond/react with both.)

Remember now, that what we view as funny in small children, we find intolerable in adults.

Take a look at this poll from the downside up for a moment.

The majority of parents place more importance on rearing children who are kind rather than responsible, respectful, and honest. Really?

So they’re saying in essence that kindness matters more (to them) than if their kids take responsibility for their actions; demonstrate respect to authorities (and everyone else); and are truth-tellers.

If I could rearrange this list, I’d put honesty first and foremost because without honesty (with ourselves) and others nothing else matters a whole lot.

It’s only when I’m brutally honest with myself about my heart motives that I make good choices. Otherwise, I can easily slip into deceiving myself into thinking I’m far more unselfish than I really am.

Yes, I like that old saying, “Honesty is the best policy.”

Value.
Attribute.
Quality.

It just is.

Just wondering, if you could list your top three values (for yourself and your kids) what would they be?

Les Miserables – Best Christmas Movie Ever

People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score.They “run up the score” by doing good to others, even when others do not deserve it. They give them better than they are given. And as a result, they often bring the other person up to their level instead of being brought down to the level of the other. It is the law of love, changing things for the better. -Dr. Henry Cloud

This telling statement by Dr. Henry Cloud pretty much sums up the entire theme of Les Miserables from the main character Jean Valjean’s perspective. He spoke it. He lived it. And throughout the book/theater production, readers/theater goers watch this powerful truth getting played out over and over again.

In some, his unconditional love melts people’s hearts and resistance. In others, it only hardens their resolve to go to the grave numbered among the unrepentant and unregenerate.

If you have never read Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, I recommend getting busy now and you’ll have plenty of lead time to complete this hefty little novel before the holidays arrive and this epic story hits the big screen later this year.

I honestly don’t believe you can fully appreciate this story until you’ve read the book and seen it performed live. But now, we actually have a chance to view it on the big screen come Christmas.

I can’t wait.

Yesterday was the second time I’d seen the trailer for Les Miz with Anne Hathaway singing Fantine’s haunting song, I Dreamed a Dream. Watch it here.

I had two reactions.

First, I didn’t know Hathaway could sing (her kicking ability is quite impressive though…)

Second, after the last film attempt which failed to capture the emotions of these characters and the volatile space of history they eeked out an existence in, I wasn’t interested in viewing another film…give me the theater version every time where you can feel the energy from the actors radiate through the crowd.

But this trailer changed my mind.

So much so, that when I got back home last night I dug out our old copy of Les Miz and started thumbing through it again and here’s what I came across…the linchpin of the entire book occurs right at the very beginning.

Valjean, newly released from prison, steals silver from the kindly bishop who took him in. He is caught with the goods, brought back to the bishop, who instead of condemning him, charges Valjean with these words.

Jean Valjean, my brother; you belong no longer to evil, but to good. It is your soul that I am buying for you. I withdraw it from dark thoughts and from the spirit of perdition, and I give it to God!

Stunned, Valjean leaves but thus begins his inner transformation into the man who will eventually give all to save others. Reflecting back to the bishop’s challenge to make a 180 turn (inside/out) as a free man, Valjean recalls how differently the bishop saw him, the man, than did others who only saw his tainted past.

That men saw his mask, but the bishop saw his face. That men saw his life, but the bishop saw his conscience.

If I had to sum up what I love most about Hugo’s work is that as I read/watch the story unfold…I realize I could be any one of these characters if circumstances were different.

The simple truth is this; there are very few steps in anyone’s life between what we view as “guilty” or “innocent“…precious few indeed.

Hugo’s work helps me remember this truth.

As an aside, you’ll know where to find me on Christmas Day.

Tea and Sympathy? I’ll Pass on Both Thank You Very Much

The people used to strengthen us are never those who sympathize with us; in fact, we are hindered by those who give us their sympathy, because sympathy only serves to weaken us. Oswald Chambers

What think you?

I read this and contemplated the countless times I’ve called my good friends and complained over my lot in life.

I realized something really important.

The friends who love me most are those who are hardest on me. (Which begs the question, can we as adults, be “parented” by our friends?)

From where I sit, a good friend is one who listens to my moans and groans just long enough for me to know they’ve heard and felt my pain before they zing me (in the most loving way possible) with the hard truth of taking responsibility for my attitude and actions.

The zing is the key element of a true friend.

Rather than seeking out tea and sympathy (or a couple of cake pops as depicted here for some instant happy relief of whatever is hurting me) I know that my real friends will give me what I need most not what I want most.

The distinction here is not stopping with mere kindness and compassion when a friend comes with genuine pain and suffering. It is offering much needed doses of tough love that will fortify your friend through the hard hours ahead.

Only truth (spoken in love) can accomplish that robust feat.

Squishy warm fuzzy feelings are all good…but they rarely supply what we need most in our hours of darkness.

So here’s to good friends who don’t stop at offering us a cup of sympathy but take their love a step further by spoon feeding us strong doses of truth that will strengthen us for the days ahead.

One Size Fits All (and other publishing nonsense)

Ali Anne Photography

Yesterday I was reading an article that ran in FORBES magazine about the most effective ways to market a newly published book in this increasingly unstable publishing world.

It contained the usual information to utilize social media to the fullest, tell readers what they gain by reading your book, plan periodic giveaways, etc. What struck my attention was this author’s closing remarks on using a book (even a self-published one) to create a stir of excitement about you and your business so that you’ll earn scads of money on a speaking circuit.

I get the logic behind the advice…the problem is this…most of the writers I know and love…love to write and speaking is a far off distant second.

I’m right there with this majority.

The fact is there are writers who speak because they are now compelled to do so by the pressure inflicted upon them by the publishing world.

And there are speakers who write because a book is a nice add-on to their business.

How I dream about the days when writers could simply write and speakers could simply speak without the additional pressure to push into areas they aren’t interested in pursuing (and are not as equally gifted).

Despite what the publishing professionals promote, there is no One Size Fits All marketing plan that works for everyone.

Everyone has their limits.
I know I have mine.

I’m happy to write, promote, do radio/tv…but I refuse to get on a plane every weekend to speak so I can sell.

I know myself well enough and if it ever comes to that…then I will stop writing for good.

Thankfully…that day hasn’t yet arrived. So until then, I’m pleased to share with you the back cover copy of my newest book, One Size Fits All: Making Healthy Choices, Stepping Into a Meaningful Life, to be released in late September.

Celebrate with me that at least for this season, I can continue to write while enjoying a life that doesn’t include stepping onto a plane on a regular basis.

In One Size Fits All, you will discover that much of life and health is about making good choices. What we say yes to, as well as what we say no to, matters in our everyday decisions. Information, no matter how valuable, remains worthless unless we grab hold of its principles and put them to use in our lives. Each one of us determines the quality of life as it pertains to our health. Throughout every chapter of One Size Fits All, discover how much influence you have over your life despite periodic seasons of setback, illness, or injury. As you read, you will learn how every individual’s unique lifestyle plan includes making meaningful choices to build a healthy life. One Size Fits All provides comprehensive prescriptions for life that will encourage, strengthen, and fortify you to be your healthy best: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.