Social Intelligence (What Think You?)

Did you know that emotions can pass from person to person silently, without anyone consciously noticing?

I did and I didn’t.

I’ve often wondered how I can be around certain people and just feel good, while when I’m with others, I just feel bad (anxious, uptight, on edge.)

This emotion contagion is so common and so widespreadly wired into us physiologically that most people aren’t even aware of why they respond in specific ways.

Author Daniel Goleman writes in his book, Social Intelligence, that humans create an emotional contagion when the brain is at work using the “low road.” The low road is the circuitry that operates beneath our awareness, automatically, and effortlessly, with immense speed.

The “high road,” in contrast, runs through neural systems that work more methodically and step by step, with deliberate effort.

The low road can be seen as “wet,” dripping with emotion, and the high road as relatively “dry,” coolly rational. The low road traffics in raw feelings, the high in a considered understanding of what’s going on. The low road lets us immediately feel with someone else; the high road can think about what we feel. Ordinarily, they mesh seemlessly. Our social lives are governed by the interplay of these two modes.

What this means is that we all have two operating systems happening simultaneously and just being aware of how innately we respond can help us act/react in socially intelligent ways.

I can’t number the times when I’ve commented about getting a “vibe” from someone and then later it was proved true.

So, for me, I think it’s a fascinating study of how our brains operate.

Goleman included a telling quote by Edgar Allan Poe about how simple it is to transfer an emotion to another person using facial expression.

When I wish to find out how good or how wicked anyone is, or what are his thoughts at the moment, I fashion the expression of my face, as accurately as possible, in accordance with the expression of his, and then wait to see what thoughts or sentiments arise in my own mind or heart, as if to match or correspond with the expression.

The low road of emotions is our immediate, instinctive response to a set of events or to a person.

The high road of emotions is our thoughtful evaluation and response to our low road perspective.

And we need both to be socially intelligent.

What a View — Takes My Breath Away

This was my view before the fall.

I sat there resting for a minute after riding for several hours through wide sandy trails, through narrow woodsy ones, and everything in between.

I was having a great time and reflecting that last year at this time, I had been put on the much bigger, heavier machine and I hit an errant tree root and almost flipped the machine back on myself because it was too big for me to handle.

This summer I got to ride this lighter red blaster and whew…did I ever feel like I was flying on those straightaways…fun!

Even the narrow, trickier trails were easier because this ATV was smaller and less machine for me to maneuver.

I thought with great fondness, I found the perfect companion for these yearly treks up North.

That was before I hit the root going uphill that made my machine go crazy, pop a wheelie up into the air and my next view was looking up at the sky with the breath knocked out of me.

And just a side note, I haven’t had the breath knocked out of me since I was about ten and I was playing football with the neighborhood boys (who were like my older brothers) and they invited kids from the bad end of the street to play with us (and then one of these roughnecks punched me in the stomach on purpose.) I don’t think I ever saw my “brothers” so ticked off that these other boys thought it okay to punch a girl.

Well, I digress…but yesterday, I had the air knocked right out of me and I opened my eyes and my first thought was, “Did I break anything?”

Nope.

Second thought was, “Did I break Valerie’s machine?”

Nope.

Third thought was, “That machine is not my friend!”

Yep.

Still, when you’re miles from the house you have to get back on and conquer whatever fears you have…or you can’t get home.

So, just like getting back on the bike (or horse) after a fall, I dutifully brushed myself off, got my emotional bearings, and rode through more trails before heading back.

I always like to think that I’m really not over fifty because despite what my chronological age says…I feel like thirty.

Not so today. I feel like an achy, breaky, old-er woman who is reminded that there is always, always, always risk and a price to pay for whatever decisions we make.

That little fall gave me a little perspective…in a very different way, it literally and figuratively took my breath away.

What’s Your Breed?

Awhile back, I asked readers which letter they felt they most closely resembled.

I was a “C” for control.

Today, I’m wondering what type of canine breed you are?

I’m a bulldog.

You know — tenacious, determined, persistent, hanging on to the bitter end type of person.

Like any breed (or personality) there’s some good and not so good aspects to feeling a kinship with a specific characterization.

It’s good to stay at a task until it’s finished.
It’s good to persist through setbacks and disappointments.
It’s good to never give up hope.

What’s not so good is when your inside is telling you to quit and your driven-ness won’t accept defeat even when it’s the most sensible step to take.

While sticking with a project, goal, job, relationship through thick and thin can be admirable…it’s not always the wisest choice long-term.

Sometimes the best decision is to –

Abandon the project
Set a different goal
Find a new job
Let a relationship go

The hard part is knowing when to accept defeat in any of its forms (and stop viewing everything from a win/lose mentality) and do so graciously, learning from our mistakes as we go and move on.

I’m still finding it hard to accept defeat, even when it’s staring me straight in the face. I’d much rather push, pull, and press through thinking if only I try harder, things will work out as I expected.

Instead, I’m finding myself pressed hard against some walls that aren’t coming tumbling down no matter how hard I push.

Frustrating.
Aggravating.
Infuriating.

Because I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong.

Isn’t that what we do?

Always come to the conclusion that we’re doing something wrong if we don’t get the results we expected?

Honestly, I want and need to change that.

Oftentimes, the messiness of a project, job, goal or relationship is part of its beauty.

The other part is what we learn along the way (which frequently helps us love other people with a tenacious, determined, persistent kind of love.)

And that’s always good “end results.”

Pinkies and Other Non-Essentials

I don’t know about you but when I look at these pink cupcakes, I want one (or two.)

They remind me of the Hostess Sno Balls my mom would tuck into my lunchbox way back when.

They remind me of my childhood when I had fewer cares and concerns.

They also remind me that while I can choose to make, bake, and then eat these culinary treats…they won’t be good for me.

I’m finding that when I’m tempted to indulge in something that isn’t good for me, it is almost always harder to hold back when that “something” reminds me of how I lived and grew up as a kid.

Disclaimer: My mom made wonderfully healthy meals and we always had an abundance of fresh fruit and vegetables in our house.

We also were known as the house to run to for snacks…of which we also always had an abundance.

Whether we (or our young friends) hankered for a treat in the sweet or salty variety, we had lots of options. None of them I realize today are healthy ones.

Which brings me to my lunch date yesterday with a good friend whom I hadn’t seen in months and the conversation we shared over salads.

As we caught up on life, both of us realized we’d been learning similar lessons about the relationships in our lives.

Both of us admitted that it’s so easy to fall into lifelong habits (even unhealthy ones we learned from childhood) of dealing with the people in our lives instead of forging a new and healthier path.

My friend has been fighting the horrendous battle against breast cancer and I’ve been battling my miniscule (by comparison) fight with ongoing shoulder problems.

As we talked, it dawned on me that just as my friend discovered crystal clear clarity about people/relationships/and what matters most — during her cancer/chemo/radiation treatments…that I similarly had discovered welcome clarity right before and directly after my shoulder surgeries.

What we realized was that when we feel weakest and most unable to cope with non-essentials (and this can include people who only want to use us) the essentials rise to the top (and this can include people who only desire the best for us.)

The tricky part, we both agreed, was remembering this life lesson long after we start feeling normal again (strong, independent, capable.)

We forget that the lessons we learned in the dark should be the ones we carry with us into the light (to help keep us focused on what/who is essential and what/who is not.)

Text Killers and Other Communication Blunders

Do you know what a text killer is?

Me either.

According to the Urban Dictionary a text killer can be defined as follows:

Phrases and words such as “lol yeah” and “haha ok” that are guaranteed to kill any text conversation, to end the texting.”

Example:

Guy 1: I was going to ask Samantha out, but after my opening joke, she texted back, “haha ok”
Guy 2: Text killer. Bummer, dude.

Okay…so if replying to a joke with “lol yeah” or “haha ok” is a text killer, then I’m in real trouble.

True confessions…I really must not have all the typical female genes because I’ve already made it clear that I hate shopping…and I’m not too keen on talking on the phone either. I’m more of an all business type phone person and would much rather talk to a real live person, well, in person.

So for me, personally, I love texting.

It’s the kind of communicating that gets the job done fast and efficiently and to the point.

In fact, I thought that was the point of texting…supplying the facts succinctly and quickly.

So now there’s a whole volume of texting etiquette I have to follow too?

Groan.
Head shaking.
Rolling of the eyes.

I’m all for taking advantage of the newest technology when it makes life easier…what I’m not for is having to read a manual every time something new comes along. Like — texting etiquette?

So, I’m not going to stop texting “lol” or “yeah” or “haha” or even “ok“…to my way of thinking each of these simple words says exactly what I’m trying to say (in ten seconds or less.)

And if I need more words to explain what I’m trying to convey (and the message is important enough) then I’ll remove any chance of committing these unforgivable communication blunders by calling to set up an appointment for a real live conversation.

Which is the only type of communicating I consider of value anyway.

Me looking at you.
You looking at me.
Both of us communicating together.

Can a Smile Get You “In” for a Chance to Win?

Smiles are the most contagious emotional signal of all, having an almost irresistible power to make others smile in return. Daniel Goleman

We are surely hoping that this principle rings true as we enter our application for consideration as contestants on the reality show, The Amazing Race.

My good friend and I spent yesterday morning taking the first step to making one of my dreams come true.

And did we ever have a laugh doing so.

Step 1: Create a list of must be included events from our long friendship (the good, bad, and the ugly)
Step 2: Create on-air chemistry (we laughed, poked gentle fun, and demonstrated by relating past experiences that we could weather the worst and continue working as a team)
Step 3: Create single photos, a photo of us together (this goofy one was taken at our near breaking point), and a three minute video of us talking to the computer camera.
Step 4: Imagining what a blast it would be to:

a. travel overseas
b. travel together overseas
c. travel together overseas (on someone’s else’s dime this time)

After we completed the application process, I was so proud of us.

It doesn’t really matter if we get selected or not…somehow, just taking the steps and trying to go for it is what counts.

And the best part of yesterday was laughing over the bloopers and mis-spoken words as we attempted to make a polished video.

In the end, the clip we used for submission was the version that highlighted the best and worst times we’ve had in our friendship (and realizing that both of those extremes has helped us created an enduring life-long friendship.)

I thought about that old saying, “It’s not if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”

Recounting our friendship, I believe we’ve learned how to play the game and we’ve both won.

One Little Step at a Time – Gets You There

A few days ago I was sitting up front and center watching my son get blasted in the face with enough water to drown a person before he got to his feet and started barefooting.

Made my heart skip a few beats.

And as I was sitting right next to the boom, I caught every look on his face as he maneuvered as fast as possible into a much more comfortable standing position.

I laughed inside at what we go through in the name of fun.

But real life is often the same isn’t it?

Whenever I want to get from here to there (in work, relationships, or play) I have to take solid first steps at making it happen.

I think about where I want to end up.
Then I mentally trace my steps to get there.

And most of the time, when I give attention to the littlest details along the way…I arrive faster and in better shape than if I recklessly push through.

I’d like to say that as I get older, I’m becoming more thoughtful and attentive to what matters most…but sometimes I still get stuck racing forward, heedless of the people around me, and then I’m left with remorse and regret and begging for grace because I’ve done it yet again.

Push. Pull. Press. Repeat.

One of the sweetest parts of aging is that you lose your illusions about believing you have it all together (or that you know anything at all other than the need for forgiveness and grace.)

And…making u-turns to get back on track seems to come easier these days.

In any case, I firmly believe that all of our steps and missteps are used for a bigger purpose…they remind us that left to our own devices we’d never get anywhere close to where we really want to be.

There may be circumstances in this life, that God uses to keep bringing us back to him, looking for his grace. Jan Karon

Could Jan Karon be referring to our predilection for pushing into places and past people?

I wonder.

Losing My Bad Attitude and Refusing to Take It Back

After his wife died, a grief-torn C.S. Lewis realized, “If I had really cared, as I thought I did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been so overwhelmed when my own sorrow came.”

I don’t know about you, but when I read that quote by C.S. Lewis it hit me hard.

It hurt.

Because like Lewis, I always think I care about the suffering around me.

I really do.

And then, when something hard hits my life and drags me around and around, up and down, and through the wringer for days (nights) on end…I’m so full of my own complaints I lose sight of three things.

1. Perspective – I find it difficult to step outside of my own little world of hurt and begin characterizing this difficult season as my whole life. It isn’t my whole life. It’s only a portion of my life.
2. Other people’s suffering - I become blinded to those who are hurting in dozens of ways more severe than my own. My vision turns inward rather than outward and that alone paralyzes me from acting on behalf of those around me.
3. Every other good thing in my life – I moan and whine and complain all while forgetting every single blessing I do have to be thankful for. Food. Clothing. Family. Friends. Medical care. Being an American citizen. And the list goes on…

I’ve found that when I’m hurting the most is exactly when I most need to be thankful.

It turns things around.

As I’m still working on my 1000 gifts list…up to 415 now…I’m forcing myself to begin each day with giving thanks for five things.

Any five things.

It helps.

I quickly gain back my perspective, my sensitivity toward others, and my contentment level explodes.

And…my guess is that I’m a lot more pleasant company.

Sexism – When Women are Their Own Worst Enemy

I have tried and tried to avoid writing on this topic. But every single day (multiple times a day) I am reminded of a book that continues to gain momentum and popularity and I just have to get it out (my thoughts on it, that is.)

But before I do, let me say this. I am one of those women whose blood pressure rises and teeth clench whenever I see evidences of sexism…anywhere.

In the home.
At the office.
In entertainment (and I use that term loosely.)

I have no problem raising my voice against pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, and the like.

In that way, I’m like almost every other woman I know.

I treat men with respect and I expect the same from them.

However, given the growing trend of women who are devouring Fifty Shades of Grey, I am in the minority.

I have zero desire or interest to pick up a book that demeans, demoralizes, uses, and abuses women in the most intimate settings and calls it entertainment.

I just can’t figure out why so many women are reading and recommending it?

My point here is this…

If women want to be taken seriously when they start complaining about obvious sexism in their world, then these same women need to be consistent by not supporting (by buying/reading/discussing) works that demean women (even in the guise of what some term sophisticated literature.)

I read a while back an insightful statement by author Gary Thomas which has stuck with me and which I’ve shared with my friends and kids and colleagues.

When women raise the standard of what they will and will not accept (in their culture, workplace, and home) then the men in their lives will be forced to raise the bar of their own behavior if they (the men) want to be with women of quality.

So here’s to women who know what real strength is…and impart that knowledge (by their words and example) to girls and young women across our country.

Ordinary Days (can be life savers)

Yesterday I gave blood for the second time in six months and was anticipating an in/out experience now that I have my handy new blood donor card.

It wasn’t to be.

Since I was a walk-in, I thought I might have to wait a bit…but figured it was a small price to pay since the heat outdoors was providing me with lots of motivation to move from one indoor activity to another.

Still, 90 minutes to give blood? Ouch.

While I waited, I took advantage of the Red Cross’ reading material and learned more than I wanted to know about all the reasons why people can’t be blood donors.

There was literally page after page of cautions, exceptions, and warnings listed.

When I was finally ushered back behind the mesh screen to get checked in by a nurse who took my temp, blood pressure, pulse, and pricked my finger for blood (all before the real blood is drawn,) I commented about what a complicated process donating blood had become. The nurse shook his head and told me I had no idea just how complicated it was (from his perspective as well as mine.)

Then came another slew of questions on a computer before I was able to get down to the business of why I had come in the first place…to donate my blood.

The actual blood draw only took about eight minutes and before I knew it the nurse was clamping off my stream of O-Positive and making note of the additional six small vials taken (for testing to be sure the Red Cross is able to use my blood.)

All that to say this…as I moved from one area to the next, I felt my patience level being tested. I also felt somewhat frustrated when the nurse explained much of the hem-hawing around between stations was because a nameless someone forgot to bring needles for the blood drive. Oops.

But at the end of the day, I’m so glad I didn’t leave (the nurse told me they would have charted me as a “walkout” and it would have stayed on my records.) Who wants to be known as a walkout? Not me.

And, to be fair, the gal at the desk handed me a cool t-shirt for my trouble. I haven’t worn t-shirts for years, but the gesture was appreciated (and I’m sure one of my kids will make good use of it.)

Thus, my ordinary day where giving blood took a little longer than I expected, which threw off some other places I had planned to be.

Driving away, I was thinking about how often what we consider inconsequential, ordinary, and insignificant can be deemed as life savers to someone else.

I know personally what I consider “life-savers” in my mostly ordinary days.

I wonder if you feel the same way?

When someone tells me they’ll do something and they actually do it.
When someone emails/texts/calls me just because they thought about me.
When someone sends me a story or a joke to make me laugh.
When someone reminds me to keep the faith.

Little kindnesses make all the difference in a day (in a life.)

So here’s to going out of our way in little ways every day in the hope that any small act of service might make someone’s ordinary day an extraordinary one.