White Noise (Silence) Makes Everything Sound Better

My very thoughtful children bought me what might be the best birthday gift I’ve ever received.

While we were vacationing a few weeks’ back, my birthday fell on the first day of this relaxing week and was I ever excited about unwrapping this particular present.

As sleep is one of my all time favorite parts of life…and my sleep has been, let us say, “compromised” these recent months…my intuitive daughter asked me well ahead of time if I would like one of these nifty little machines (which are small enough to tuck into a carry-on piece of luggage.)

I answered with a resounding, “Yes!”

Love it.

I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve spent while traveling over the years all because I’m a light sleeper and every little noise wakes me up.

The familiar and the unfamiliar…doesn’t make much difference…I hear all those things that go bump in the night.

Now…I’m sleeping much better, deeper, and longer. Happiness.

All because of this handy little device that creates some white noise to block out the unwanted sounds in the night, I’m now able to face my days with a lot more energy and enthusiasm.

I’m sleeping better at night, true. But I’m still working on meshing more silence into my day time hours.

When I tune out the constant static of continual talk/music/radio/tv, I can actually think clearer and breathe deeper.

Silence is as necessary to living well as is eating an all organic diet and exercising five days a week.

What I’m aiming for, and it’s going against the grain of my personality, is to make regular spaces of quiet and organize them into each day. The more regularly I do this one simple thing, the more quickly I find my balance again no matter how upsetting the nightly news is…no matter how poor our economy is doing…no matter how rotten a day I’m having.

I like that old saying…”Silence is golden.” But I’d like to amend it…

Silence is not only golden…it’s worth its weight in gold.

And I want my life weighty with the rich benefits of it.

Worth My Attention: Making Gardens Grow

I am not a good gardener.

I do, however, have friends who are master gardeners (and you should see their work.) Stunning. Inspiring. Amazing.

Everything they touch blooms and blossoms and thrives.

Not so in my case.

I do try.

I read the gardening books.
I get on my hands and knees and hoe/till/plant/weed/fertilize/water and weed some more.
I even talk to the plants…I do.

Sometimes it’s so bad I cannot tell the difference between a plant I want to nurture and a weed I need to kill.

There are moments when I’m grabbing hold of a plant by its roots deliberating if I should yank it out or not. I almost break into a sweat like a character in an action movie who doesn’t know if they should cut the blue wire or the red wire before the whole building explodes. Often, I just get up and walk away and wait for a second opinion (and I’ve probably saved many a fledging flower’s life doing that.)

Which is why when my good friend offered to dig up some of her thriving perennials and give them to me, I felt hesitant on two counts.

It was going to mean hard labor on her part.
I didn’t know if I could keep them alive (even with my best efforts.)

But being the wonderfully hopeful and faithful friend that she is…she went through the work of digging up a bunch of these budding beauties, potted them, and tended to them carefully until we next met and then she handed off the responsibility to me.

With my trunk loaded with flowers, I went home and got busy planting each flower along my fence (and this photo depicts one of my success stories.) Happiness.

As anyone who digs around in the dirt knows…planting is only the first step.

Attending to the flowers and their ongoing needs is what it takes for them to live well and flourish.

And every single time I go outside to water and weed (and assess their growth) I think about how similar all growing things are to one another.

People and plants especially.

How much time and attention and gentle care have I given to those in my life this week? Today?

Have I watered my relationships with respect, communication, and care?

Have I weeded out my persistent firmly entrenched pride and tried to make amends as needed?

Have I simply given my thoughtful attention to the people I say I care about?

To be honest, I always want my garden (literal and figurative) to grow…but I’m not always willing to give it the careful attention required to make it happen.

There and Back Again

Way back when, I traveled there and back again.

It was in the early 1980′s that I flew to Dallas and met up with my cousin and from there we traveled to Amsterdam for a four-week long service project. We lived in humongous tents (50 girls in one and 50 guys in the other) at a campground outside of the city. Every day we’d eat breakfast and take off for the city on their public transportation system and all day, every day, we were assigned various work duties.

I was twenty when I first traveled out of the U.S. and that month outside of the American borders changed my life…changed me.

Since that trip, I’ve only been outside the U.S. traveling to Canada several times and to Italy twice. Canada didn’t change me. Italy did.

I think part of every person’s education should include a few weeks outside of the U.S…and going on a cruise or to a fancy resort doesn’t count.

To really get a feel for how other people live and move and have their being in a foreign country…you have to walk amongst them, eat with them, work with them…you just do.

And talking their language doesn’t mean you have to speak their language…

One of the most important lessons I learned was that the right hand gestures and a welcoming smile can communicate more than any amount of my lame attempts at speaking Italian.

People the world over are really different.
People the world over are really the same.

I know…you’re thinking it can’t be both…but the truth is…it is.

So as I’m contemplating my little seasons of travel over the years…I’m getting excited for Thursday to arrive.

On that day I’ll be parking myself at Detroit Metro awaiting my son’s arrival home from seven weeks (count ‘em…seven long weeks) overseas.

I know this trip changed him. I also know he won’t even know how much until he’s been back in the U.S. for awhile. And, I also know he’ll feel he doesn’t fit here anymore…but that’s okay.

Coming home again is always a combination of comfortable and uncomfortable.

Some experiences that take you there and back again aren’t about fitting in anymore…they’re about drinking it in and letting all the memories slowly simmer to the surface at opportune (and sometimes inopportune) moments. But it’s all good.

Oh, and about this photo? My son took this one somewhere in Rome…and I’m so glad he did. I tried to convince him before he left to make sure and certain he visited the Galleria Borghese to see up close the awesome Bernini sculptures…well, I’d say he got the message. There isn’t anything like these lifelike works of art…getting up close to these magnificent works alone will change a person. And that’s for sure and certain.

The Long and Winding Road to Selecting Your Career of a Lifetime

Here I am, day two of being completely immersed in the same book I quoted from yesterday.

In between yesterday morning’s post and today’s…I think I earned a little time to escape into this fantastic book.

I spent almost an hour talking with the editor of my new book…both of us reading her suggestions and comments online as we chatted…note to self…this was by far the easiest and most efficient way to get on the same page as your editor/publisher during the first editorial pass. And though I had inadvertently handed her a formatting nightmare…she graciously forgave me and I think we’re friends now.

Many hours later, we both exchanged updated versions of this book, and it suddenly became “real” to me again. I’m getting to do what I always wanted to…write and publish books. My vocational heart is singing today and running over with happiness, gratitude, and complete contentment.

That’s today anyway…tomorrow, who knows?

Which is why when I stayed up late reading a few more chapters of Bittersweet and I got to a chapter where Niequist gives career advice to twenty-somethings…I was shaking my head in agreement as I turned each page.

For anyone who’s lamenting the frustration of not being able to find the perfect career…please take to heart Niequist’s take on careers and the choosing of them.

When I was twenty-five, I was in my third job in as many years – all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year, because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his fifties. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was twenty-five, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was thirty-two. In his opinion, it takes about ten years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky.

So Niequist suggests –

Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either.

Ask yourself some good questions like, Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending my time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Can you see why I love this book?

DO EVERYTHING BETTER (why NOT to adopt this mantra)

Last week a close friend invited me to her house for a lovely meal and some much-needed conversation. As is our custom, we discuss our kids, our extended families, our work, and the current state of affairs worldwide…and we generally offer recommendations (on food/books/travel/life.)

The topic of today’s post comes directly from my friend’s recommendation to read this book, Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist.

Love Niequist’s subtitle for Bittersweet: Thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way. (That last bit…learning the hard way? that’s me.) Every time.

Like every other woman I know past 40…I’m trying to figure out how to make the life adjustment between all things parenting and kids to life without kids at the center of my life (and my time.)

It’s harder than it looks!

Which is why I so resonated with Niequist’s chapter titled, “Things I Don’t Do.”

Here’s some of the good stuff—

It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.

Like this author, I am a chronic list maker…and please (for your own safety’s sake) don’t get in my way until I’ve ticked off every item on my to-do list for the day. Just so you know, this is one of those habits I’m still trying to break away from…

Here’s why–

Niequist writes about her penchant for making lists that range from the mundane to the far-reaching. And here’s where her words hit home.

At one point, I kept adding to the list, more and more items, more and more sweeping in their scope, until I added this line: DO EVERYTHING BETTER. It was, at this time, a pretty appropriate way to capture how I felt about my life and myself fairly often. It also explains why I tended to get so tired I’d cry without knowing why, why my life sometimes felt like I was running on a hamster wheel, and why I searched the faces of calmer, more grounded women for a secret they all knew that I didn’t. This is how I got to that fragmented, brittle, lonely place: DO EVERYTHING BETTER.

Each of the three words has a particular flavor of poison all its own. Do: we know better than do, of course. We know that words like “be,” and “become,” and “try,” are a little less crushing and cruel, spiritually and psychologically, a little friendlier to the soul. But when we’re alone sometimes and the list is getting the best of us, we abandon all those sweet ideas, and we go straight to do, because do is power, push, aggression, plain old sweaty equity. It’s not pretty, but we know that do gets the job done.

Everything is just a killer. Everything is the heart of the conversation for me, my drug of choice. For me, everything becomes a lifestyle. Everything is an addiction.

And then better. Better is a seductress. It’s so delicious to run after better, better, better. Better is a force.

The three together, DO EVERYTHING BETTER, are a super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul-shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives.

The grandest seduction of all is the myth that DOING EVERYTHING BETTER gets us where we want to be. It gets us somewhere, certainly, but not anywhere worth being.

Messy, Messy, Messy and More Messy: That’s Life, So Expect It

When you taste a measure of being able to love and enjoy the people in your life, without having to have any particular response from them, you are tasting bliss. Paula Rinehart

Love this quote so much that I started off one of the chapters in our book, Burdens Do a Body Good, with it.

I’ve pondered this quote quite a bit too…wondering how to engage other people in relationships that grow without having expectations from them.

Is it even possible?

On the one hand, it is right and proper to expect certain things from people close to us.

Mutual respect.
Courtesy.
Kindness.
Unselfishness.

On the other hand, it is also just as important to expect that the people close to us will fail us. Because they will.

Unconsciously or consciously (or both)…every relationship is necessarily flawed.

Which always reminds me of one of Paul Tripp’s video series where he warns people that all relationships are messy. In this series, Tripp tells listeners that if you’re involved with an angry person, expect their anger to target you at some time. If you’re involved with a person who struggles with trust, expect that person to struggle trusting you. If you’re involved with a person who is fearful, expect that person’s fear to spill over into the relationship.

I know we’d all like to think that if we simply abide by the rules that another person’s messy struggles won’t affect us…but given enough time and enough interaction…it will. So expect it. Then deal with it.

Expectations don’t necessarily have to be the undoing of our relationships…we just have to know how to proceed once it happens and once our feelings get hurt.

Paul Tripp offers some suggestions here.

Relationships: Gaining Ground

Be honest with yourself. You’ve been disappointed in some way with every relationship you’ve ever had. It’s the universal experience of everyone this side of destiny. No, it’s not that you’ve met the wrong people or that you lack relational skills. It’s that every relationship you’ve had, you’ve had in a fallen world. You never get to hang out with perfect people. You never get to have those perfect relationships in a perfect location and with perfect circumstances surrounding you. No, all of your relationships are with flawed people in a flawed world. And don’t forget, you’re one of those flawed people as well! So how can you gain ground? How can your relationships become better than they are right now? Let me suggest three ways:

1. Determine to be realistic. I love how shockingly honest the Bible is. It’s a book that really doesn’t pull any punches. You see, what damages our relationships is not having a realistic acceptance of our own weaknesses and struggles. What damages our relationships is our delusions of perfection and strength! The first step in any kind of change is admitting that change is needed in the first place.

2. Determine to be honest. One of the things that gets in the way of healthy relationships is silence. Maybe our problem is that we simply don’t love one another enough to have the hard conversations that are what good relationships are all about. If you are in a relationship with a flawed person, you will be touched by those flaws. Maybe it will come as an unkind word, an act of selfishness, or an outburst of irritation. Quick and loving honesty in those moments can keep a relationship from being distorted by bad habits and subverted by bitterness.

3. Determine to focus on yourself. No, I am not counseling you to be selfish, I am encouraging you to be humble. Good relationships are the result of both people being committed to personal change and growth. Self-examination is a key way you demonstrate love for the other person. It is very easy to be all-too-satisfied with yourself, while being irritated and impatient with the weaknesses of another. When you have two people who are committed to heart change, the relationship will change and grow as well.

Out of My Element…and Loving It

I live near enough to Lake Erie where on some days I can smell the water, hear the waves crashing on shore, and on rare occasions, almost feel the mist drifting off the water’s edge into my kitchen window.

Although I live close enough to the lake to enjoy some of its benefits…I can’t do what I love most…walk on its sandy shores.

Given how little beach area there is around this portion of the lake, I hesitate to take my daily walk on the sandy shores because I feel like I’m encroaching on my neighbors’ already too skimpy property lines.

Which is why I’m willing (when invited) to make the twelve-plus hour drive to South Carolina to walk on the beaches there.

To be honest, I’m not a great car traveler. I’m sort of like the kids you see in commercials who sit in the backseat clamoring for updates every five minutes or so. I don’t say it out loud…I just think it…and when I start getting too uncomfortable trying to get comfortable…I envision myself walking along the ocean’s shores.

Dreamy.

Perfect.

Heaven.

Just me and my thoughts and the sun, sand, waves lapping at my feet.

I could get used to living near the ocean if just for those daily morning walks.

I feel so “in” my element there.

There’s something otherworldly about the expansiveness of the ocean.

It’s so big.
Powerful.
Untamable.

Makes me feel small.
Puts me in my place.
Gives me proper perspective.

For some reason…the ocean’s existence brings me tremendous comfort.

I think it’s because it reminds me that the One who created it is mighty powerful indeed and that same power faithfully governs my meager comings and goings.

The ocean with all its glory serves to remind me that even when I’m feeling most out of my element (at home or on a distant shore,) I can rest easy as I rest in the knowledge that I’m not responsible for making things (big and little) work out in my life.

It is elemental…

Me = small
Ocean = big
Creator = bigger still

Everyone wins when courage fills a woman’s soul

When it comes to helping others, some people stop at nothing. Unknown

Not every book photo accurately depicts what’s to be found inside the cover of the text. In this case, it does.

If you’re peering closely at this photo, let me explain.

This black and white cover photo reveals a woman holding tightly to stalks of wheat. Her fist grasping the grain with all her might. And the book designer couldn’t have chosen a better way to introduce readers to this topic.

This photo depicts:

Strength.
Resolve.
Commitment.
Perseverance.
Sacrifice.

Author Carolyn Custis James wrote The Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules, in 2008. I was one of the happy reviewers that devoured this text (and have reread it about a dozen times since.)

If I had a short list of favorite books…this one would be on it.

I’ve long wanted to write about the message of this book because I think it’s so important for women (and men) to grasp.

But, like anything (or anyone) I hold in high esteem…there’s a little niggling fear that I won’t do the work (message) justice.

Finally, I decided I can’t do it justice…but at the least, I can tell other people about the book so they can read it for themselves.

As a reviewer, I’m always reading something. Always.

But in the twenty-some years working as a reviewer, I’d say there are about twenty books I keep handy (and keep referring to)…this is one of them.

Whenever I travel, I always have a bag full of books at my side…and this book makes the cut every time.

So enough of that….why should you read this book?

Because James does something I’ve rarely seen other authors do…find a way to communicate the value of relationship (partnership) between strong women and strong men.

Almost always we see either/or….either a strong woman leads and every man in her vicinity quakes in fear.

Or…we see a strong man and every woman in his vicinity quakes in fear.

Not here.

James reveals how both women and men can be strong, work together, and accomplish much.

Not exactly the typical screenplay of today where it’s almost always one sex dominating the other.

I love it!

Women and men sharing equally in whatever task they’re called to…and in a world as dangerous as ours…we need our girls to grow up to be strong women for their sake and society’s.

I know I can’t do this message justice…so I’m stopping here…ending with one of my favorite quotes from James’ book where she describes the two main characters’ relationship with each other.

In the end, there is deep respect, mutual submission, and a powerful partnership that rocks their community (for good.)

Like the title of this post starts off….everyone wins…who reads this book…

What Man Needs Most — Silence and Peace

My son shot this photo at La Tourette and then placed this caption with the photo.

What man needs most — silence and peace…

I pondered that quote for a bit.

And then wanted to add to it.

What (wo)man needs most — silence and peace.

I like this better.

Looking at this beautiful and captivating photo…I felt both of these qualities.

Silence (can’t get enough of it.)
Peace (always want more of it.)

Silence and peace (the perfect combination.)

Silence to gather my thoughts (or make sense of them.)

Peace to calm my thoughts (or make sense of why it is alluding me.)

As I consider these two essential elements of a quality inner-life, I wonder why I so vehemently oppose both?

Answer–

Because I often don’t like what I see (in myself) and it’s easier to stay distracted and busy and talking.

But according to a song lyric that’s been running through my head lately, “Only in the silence can we hear the plan…”

Inside.
Outside.
All around.

Silence.
Peace.

It does us good.

Taking the Bite Out of Visiting Your Physician

Look at this guy’s teeth!

We did…up close.

Scary.

Thankfully, there was a huge and very thick glass-type barrier keeping this guy from getting close enough to do any damage.

Relief.

It’s one thing to get up close to dangerous objects and know for certain they can’t hurt you…can’t get close enough to do any harm…it’s quite another to invite frightening experiences into your own life.

Am I referring to personal relationships here?

Nope.

Earlier this week I read an article on the growing number of patients who claim to be afraid of their own physicians.

As I read the article, I shook my head in amazement.

Why would anyone go to a doctor they were afraid of?

I mentally thought about all of my physicians. These are people I respect, like and trust. I can’t imagine experiencing fear with any single one of them. (If I did…I’d be changing doctors pronto.)

I wondered why people are afraid of the very people whose job (and mission) it is to care for them?

Turns out, the answer is simpler than I thought.

Individuals fear being viewed as difficult patients( they fear mis-stepping with their doctors and then being labeled as non-compliant…thus, in their minds, endangering the level of care they will receive.)

They fear being viewed as ignorant or as having a lack of knowledge (it’s the old pride issue rearing its ugly head again…)

People view physicians as authority figures and if they’ve experienced the negatives of poor leadership (in any area of their lives) folks naturally bring that apprehension into their doctors’ offices.

Looking at these concerns from this perspective it makes a lot more sense to me now.

But it also makes sense for patients to start dismantling these same fears.

When I think about a doctor’s primary objective as to first do no harm…I am consoled (and put at ease.)

I walk into my physicians’ offices knowing they are for me…they care about me…they want to help me get better. Because they do.

I also enter my doctors’ offices knowing they know more than me….otherwise….why bother wasting my time and money consulting with them?

Last, as I noted earlier, I respect, like and trust my doctors…but, here’s the important part…I don’t revere them.

They’re people.

They make mistakes.
They have bad days.
They even might, on occasion, need a good word from me as much as I need their expertise.

Looking at our medical providers as real people with real needs as great as our own helps create a safer (more congenial) environment for everyone.

And that beats fighting off the fear of getting verbally (or emotionally) devoured by our fears every time.