Finding Pain Out — Before It Leads Us On

Pain tends to be the one thing in life that always gets our attention. Perhaps this is the reason that we all tend to hate pain. It forces us to deal with things we would rather ignore or avoid. Paul Tripp

Physical pain — hate it.
Emotional pain — hate it.
Mental pain — hate it.

Who likes pain?

No one I know.

Author Paul Tripp makes a good case for viewing pain (in all its forms) from a different perspective. His bottom-line premise is that since none of us can avoid pain, we might as well make it our ally.

Crushing long-lasting pain or small, brief moments of pain…both become instructors.

Sometimes little moments are the best place to learn significant things. In the big, cataclysmic moments, we are working so hard just to survive that it is hard to learn much in the middle of them. Because the little moments get our attention without being so confounding, they can be better teachers.

Tripp is right in this observation for when we are in the midst of a huge catastrophe, we’re only trying to survive it. On the other hand, the countless “small moments” of pain can be much more instructive because we have more energy, time, and thought to give to them. It is in the daily pain that we can grasp hold of the bigger picture and work toward solutions that “work” over the long haul.

One of the primary dangers of reacting (overreacting) to sudden pain is that we can make decisions we will regret once the suffering subsides.

Tripp writes —

When you are in the middle of the painful heat of difficulty, it is very hard to keep the big picture in view. It is very easy for your view of life to shrink to the size of the difficulty of the moment. When this happens you begin to live more for survival than with purpose. This often leads to decisions and actions that you later live to regret.

What Tripp points out is hard to hear, painfully hard. Life, even when ridden with pain of all kinds, must be lived with more than a mere “survival” mentality. Otherwise, our lives become solely reactive.

Reacting to this, reacting to that, and then paying the painful price for those knee-jerk reactions rather than stepping back allowing the pain to “inform us” instead of “leading us” into conversations and situations we’ll soon regret.

For two good reasons alone Tripp believes we should accept pain as necessary parts of our lives.

1. Pain announces to us that something is wrong, and therefore, dangerous to ignore.
2. We need to listen to our pain because it is telling us something we need to hear.

Lost in the Middle — Somewhere Between Back Then and Tomorrow

For many years, I spent the bulk of my time writing on single parenting topics, not because I was a single mom, but because two of my closest friends were. As they moved from married to single again status (this time with children), I couldn’t imagine anything more painful.

Now I can (and they can too).

Although neither of these women would ever want to redo that terribly painful time of their lives, it’s been many years now, and it’s almost like another life to them. Today, both they and their now young adult children are doing great.

But for some years it was a constant struggle for them. Never having enough money, time, energy, help. It seemed the “never enough list” went on and on.

Often, when we’d talk, they would mention the uncertainty they sometimes felt about how their kids would “turn out” when neither of their respective ex-spouses were hardly involved in their children’s lives. The future — their kids’ future…and their futures daunted them.

Flash forward 18 years and today those worries truly do seem to have been a part of someone’s else’s life.

The irony is that I never apologized for writing on behalf of single moms because I was always telling their stories (and getting them to okay what I wrote before I’d send it off to editors or publishers). I didn’t have to experience single parenthood to write about it.

Once their children grew up, however, I felt my writing-self moving in a different direction that can be summed up in a single word.

Midlife. (note the black, bold type)

With all of my friends entering this same season of life, it felt only right that I tackle something more personal for a change, something I was wrestling with (and through). The problem is…I started writing on it before I was actually in the throes of the worst of it (like I am today).

I look back at some of my how-to get-through articles and think, “who wrote this?”

Not that the advice is wrong…but honestly…what I’m going through now is challenging me more than I ever dreamed possible. I find myself asking a lot of the same questions my friends asked almost 20 years ago when their marriages ended.

Those kinds of questions that don’t have answers but compel a mom to hover over her own kids and make sure they make good choices because what we opt for in our twenties will most certainly alter our entire lives.

And, also like my friends did, I’m unsure of the future because many of my former roles have been stripped away (or I’ve outgrown them.)

Lately, I’m remembering how my friends got through their toughest seasons and two factors were vital.

1. Surround yourself with good, faithful friends who know you well enough (and love you enough) to tell you the hard truth about your ever-changing (sometimes unrecognziable) self.
2. Live one day at a time, content not knowing what all your tomorrows will bring.

Without friends and a 24 hour at a time perspective…it is too easy to get lost in the middle (and that’s a far too scary place to travel without some friendly faces at your side.)

Dog or Cat? Excerpts from Canine and Feline Diaries

Just because some days (like today) we need something to laugh about…

Excerpted from Max Lucado’s newest, Great Day Every Day.

Excerpts from the diary of a dog:

8:00am Oh boy, dog food – my favorite.
9:30am Oh boy, a car ride – my favorite.
9:40am Oh boy, a walk – my favorite.
10:30am Oh boy, another car ride – my favorite.
11:30am Oh boy, more dog food – my favorite.
12:00pm Oh boy, the kids – my favorite.
1:00pm Oh boy, the yard – my favorite.
4:00pm Oh boy, the kids again – my favorite.
5:00pm Oh boy, dog food again – my favorite.
5:30pm Oh boy, Mom – my favorite.
6:00pm Oh boy, playing ball – my favorite.
8:30pm Oh boy, sleeping in my master’s bed – my favorite.

Excerpts from the diary of a cat:

Day 283 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I’m forced to eat dry cereal. I’m sustained by the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I derive from ruining a few pieces of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. I attempted to kill my captors this morning by weaving through their walking feet. Nearly succeeded. Must try this strategy at the top of the stairs. Seeking to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. To display my diabolical disposition, I decapitated a mouse and deposited the headless body on their kitchen floor. The only cooed and condescended, patting my head and calling me a “strong little kitty.” Hmm – not working according to plan. During a gathering of their accomplices, they placed me in solitary confinement. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of allergies. Must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other household captives are flunkies, perhaps snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems naively happy to return. He is, no doubt, a half-wit. The bird speaks with the humans regularly. Must be an informant. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal cage, his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

The day of a dog. The day of a cat. One content, the other conniving. One at peace, the other at war. One grateful, the other grumpy. Same house. Same circumstances. Same master. yet two entirely different attitudes.

Which diary reads more like yours? Were your private thoughts made public, how often would the phrase “Oh boy, my favorite” appear?

Denise4Health — Tips for Surviving Chemo Days

My friend Denise shares her suggestions for surviving chemo treatments at her site, Denise4Health. Here is an excerpt from her blog.

Okay, I now consider myself an A/C (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) chemo expert. Two rounds of the stuff makes an expert out of you in a fast hurry! Some things I learned that I hope you find helpful. Today I will concentrate on tips for chemo Days.

Chemo Days

1) Drink PLENTY of water before and after chemo. I strive to drink a minimum of 10 – 8 oz glasses the day before chemo, the day of, and many days after. A/C dehydrates the body. You want to get the toxins out as quickly as you can. This definitely decreased my side effects.

2) Make sure you eat a light meal before chemo. Oatmeal with fruit works for me.

3) Wear very comfortable clothing to infusion days. I wear jogging suits that are lower cut or have front zippers so my port can be easily accessed without danger to the area. Plus, I see my Oncologist the same day so it’s always “strip to the waist” to check my surgery site.

4) My infusion of A/C takes 2.5 to 3 hours. It goes by quickly. Don’t be alarmed if this seems terribly long. It isn’t.

5) Chew ice chips while chemo is being administered. It cuts down on mouth sores.

6) Don’t be terrified when your chemo nurse comes all covered up to administer the chemo drugs – cap, gown, and gloves. They need to protect themselves, but it is scary to see, especially the first time.

7) Your first urine will turn red, like the drug. Don’t get upset. I was told to make sure to flush the toilet twice, putting the lid down, and sanitize the toilet as you don’t want to endanger anyone. At home I don’t let anyone else use my toilet. If that’s not possible for you, make sure you use sanitizing wipes on rim and lid of toilet and clean toilet as often as you can with a bleach-based toilet bowl cleaner. Wash your hands with soap and water FREQUENTLY. Sing two rounds of The Birthday Song while scrubbing.

8) Take reading material, laptop, or whatever you need to make yourself feel comfortable. My hospital will loan me a laptop. I really don’t do anything during chemo. I can’t seem to concentrate on other things, but maybe you can.

9) Usually the hospital will provide you with snacks. My hospital has bagels, popsicles and other items chemo patients can tolerate. If not, take your own.

10) After chemo starts winding down, try to relax. The first trip is terrifying. And the fear really builds up as you leave for home because you just don’t know what to expect. It won’t be as bad as you think. You will not have every side effect they have to tell you about, and you will make it.

11) I have an hour drive after chemo. Make sure you have someone with you. It is best if someone else drives for you to make sure you are okay. My chemo nurse said the anti-nausea drugs make you sleepy – not a good mix with driving.

My next post will concentrate on Chemo Tips for Home…

Making Room for Failure — Dads Helping Daughters Succeed

Those who are successful are those who learn from their failures and do not give up. Quitting is a very easily learned habit. People who quit when they fail at something never accomplish anything in life. Rick Johnson

My good friend and author, Rick Johnson, has just released another excellent resource titled, That’s My Girl: How a Father’s Love Protects and Empowers His Daughter, which I, as a mother, a daughter, and as woman found to be instructive and positively practical.

One of Johnson’s premises is that today’s world is a dangerous one for girls. He’s right.

Johnson cites how many girls are falling prey to eating disorders, poor body image, cutting, depression and other emotional trauma. The media’s unhealthy attention on attaining perfection places unrealistic expectations upon girls, teens, and young adult women.

The message our girls hear is that unless they are perfect, they are total failures. Dads, however, can combat and offset this constant and destructive onslaught by offering simple (yet consistently spoken) words of affirmation.

Johnson writes –

What daughters need most is affirmation from a male who adores and loves her unconditionally and in spite of any real or perceived imperfections. Too many girls only see disappointment, judgment, and criticism when they look in their daddy’s face.

But it isn’t enough to simply affirm daughters says Johnson. In order to fully prepare girls for the world they’re going to face, fathers need to share their own failures with their children. Kids seem to think fathers are capable of achieving anything…but they often miss the uphill climb (filled with mistakes and failures) their dads made to get where they are today.

People learn best by trial and error, falling and getting back up and trying again and again until we achieve success. Our children learn this best by our example. Too many parents (fathers especially) want to project a perfect image to their children. They only want to model a perfect example. But our kids learn great lessons from our failures.

Johnson’s call to fathers is twofold.

1. Dismantle the inaccurate pursuit of perfection by offering affirmation and unconditional love to daughters.
2. Commit to a life of transparency where daughters can observe how failure makes way for success.

What’s Eating You? Making Smart Choices

After a brief phone call with my daughter, I realized something everyone who knows me well already knows…how I eat affects my mood.

When my daughter called and asked me how I was doing, I told her I was having a bad day. The second question she asked me was if I had eaten anything that day?

Immediately, I knew what she was inferring.

When mom doesn’t eat (or eat well)…well — trouble can’t be far behind.

It was already lunchtime and I’d been sitting at the computer since 6:30am drinking only water and coffee…and for someone like me, that’s not good. Just not healthy. (Nor is it good or healthy for anyone venturing near me.)

It might not be true for a lot of people, but I am what I eat. So is my mood.

I can’t go long without protein and other body/mind building nutrients or I suffer (and make others suffer right along with me.)

This little truth hit home a second time right after my cousin shared this photo of some pretty pink frozen treat emerging from what I assumed was an ice cream machine. Looked like strawberry…delicious.

I was all in the mood for a big bowl of ice cream when I found out this eye-appealing mixture was one fast food’s blend of mechanically separated chicken. (No wonder I got sick last month after eating a fish sandwich from the same restaurant.)

Everything about this “chicken” is artificial…and the worst part is that they complete the process by transforming the pink tint into a natural looking chicken color using, you guessed it, more artificial ingredients.

I felt indignantly deceived after reading about how this foodstuff (using that term loosely) was made. For shame.

Then I realized (somewhat shamefully,) I often try to convince myself in similarly deceptive ways.

I know that eating poorly tempts me to act poorly.
I know that ignoring those healthy hunger pangs gets me on the fast-track to a bad headache.
I know that taking time to take care of my physical body is the best “medicine” on earth.

I know all that…and more…much more.

What’s eating me is that I don’t simply act on what I know…and we all know on the inside the difference between “real” honest-to-goodness anything and those tempting “artificial” alternatives.

So why do we continually choose that which hurts us?

For me, making smart food choices is only the beginning.

Duty: It’s Not Just a Calling for a Select Few

A friend’s son-in-law has been assigned a temporary “duty” of informing the widow (and family) when her military husband dies.

It’s not a permanent assignment but I can imagine it feels like one. How does one prepare oneself to offer a few of the hardest words imaginable to another human being?

I’m not quite sure you can prepare. Some situations you simply step into and start moving.

Looked at another way, this man has been entrusted with a great honor. Knowing his character, it doesn’t surprise me that he was selected for the task.

Still, doing one’s duty (whether to our country overseas or right here at home) requires sacrifice.

I’ve been contemplating what it means to do one’s duty ever since I heard about this challenging assignment and it reminded me of the movie The Queen that came out a few years’ back.

After watching this film what struck me over and over was the personal sacrifice Queen Elizabeth II made for her country. She was criticized for being heartless yet when you looked at her life and her choices, she was anything but cold-hearted. She simply knew her duty and carried it out (without a lot of overt emotional display.)

I think we give far too much weight to feelings as they pertain to getting a job done. Whether it’s a parenting, personal, or a professional scenario, sometimes emotions hinder progress rather than help.

I admire people who can keep a cool head in a heated situation. I aim for that objective and believe it’s frequently unfair and unproductive to judge a person’s intent (and how much they care) by how much emotion they display.

Doing one’s duty and doing it well, might best served by setting aside how we feel in order to faithfully get the job done. If that means sacrificing the expression of our emotions, then so be it.

Isn’t sacrifice inherent in the truest definition of duty anyway?

Pathology — The Precursor to Aging? Say It Isn’t So…

A while back it was brought to my attention (by someone who knows) that there appears to be ample “pathology” occurring in females between the ages of 40 and 60 years.

I am smack dab in the middle of this “pathological phenomena“…which got me thinking about why this jump in the “pathological” happens. Is pathology the precursor to aging? And does it have to be so?

Running through my mind whenever I hear something rather disconcerting are two things: why is this true? and how can I avoid it?

My female intuition tells me the culprit of age-related pathology is our continually shifting hormones……..at least that is where I would prefer to settle the blame on these unsettling, often abrupt midlife changes that make women feel like they’re going to climb out of their tree (literally and figuratively.)

I know from personal experience that lack of sleep (on a regular, ongoing basis) is my number one complaint because not feeling well-rested can make me feel, well…pathological. Just saying.

Knowing that I have to fight against these unhealthy aging tendencies makes me uncomfortable. Who wants to feel they have to police themselves 24/7 for fear their body is taking over their mind which affects what they say and do?

My heartfelt desire is to simply age well. Age gracefully. Age in a manner that doesn’t frighten small children (or adults.)

So, I had better get used to feeling uncomfortable in lots of ways I’ve never had to before…but before I take that leap…perhaps defining pathology might help me understand it better (and make me feel a bit more hopeful about the path-of-life I’m on as the precursor to possibility.)

pa·thol·o·gy (p-thl-j)

Can you say it?

n. pl. pa·thol·o·gies

Do you know what it is?

1. The scientific study of the nature of disease and its causes, processes, development, and consequences. Also called pathobiology (does this infer our bodies take a path of their own choosing?)
2. The anatomic or functional manifestations of a disease. (the pathology of getting older.)
3. A departure or deviation from a normal condition. (what is normal anyway?)

Can you recognize it in others (in yourself)?

Yes?
No?
Not yet?

Me either.

Detecting What is Underneath the Surface — Understanding Our Strengths (and our weaknesses)

When I look at this photo…I like what I see.

What isn’t apparent to most people, I’ve become good at recognizing.

What we see on the surface isn’t necessarily true underneath (sometimes it’s much better.)

Let me explain.

This photo reveals my mom’s brand new shoulder replacement…so when I see “inside” her better-than-before shoulder, I get excited. I am confident that since her janky, injured, weak shoulder was removed surgically and replaced with this perfectly fitting new shoulder…her quality of life will improve greatly.

No more moving gingerly when reaching high into cupboards.
No more taking great care when dressing, undressing, bending over, or turning around.

Before she knows it, she’ll feel better than before…better than new.

Just makes me feel good knowing that underneath the surface of what I see there are strong, long-lasting components which will see my mom through good days and bad.

When I studied this photo for the first time, I was simply amazed that our bodies can accept “replacement parts,” adapt to them, and even mesh with them.

No one would ever know (except her doctor) what’s hidden beneath the surface and yet plays such an intricate role in allowing my mom to live normally again (and with renewed strength.)

Then, I realized how undergoing any kind of surgery is parallel to everyday life.

We rarely take the time or the interest to probe beneath the surface of what makes us stronger, more resilient, fitter individuals.

Instead, we are seemingly content to move through our days happily (or unhappily) ignorant of what makes us strong (or weak) until something inside us snaps, breaks, or is crushed.

And by then, it’s sometimes too late to make a full recovery. So, despite the initial pain it causes to probe around an injury (physical or emotional,) I’m convinced it’s necessary to my overall well-being and health (and for everyone I come into contact with…)

A last word on probing…

It must be conducted slowly.
It must be conducted gently.
It must be conducted with healing (not further injury) in mind.

“O” Positive (or not)

Last month I gave blood for the first time in a long time.

It had been such a long stretch between “giving” that I couldn’t remember if I was O Positive or O Negative. (Ironically, I wondered if the people who know me best would know the difference either?)

When I received my shiny red donor card emblazoned with “O” Positive right under my name, I sort of laughed. Because I know better. More often than not, I am not “O” so positive. Rather, I am “O” so negative.

I could blame it on the type of work I do because reviewers have to see manuscripts with a critical eye in order to “review” them accurately.

But I shouldn’t allow my ability to read a text with a critical eye to spill over into my life…but I do.

So, whether I want to call it another New Year’s resolution or not…I am determined to begin my day giving thanks for what I have and look at every new day embracing an “O” Positive attitude.

And another thing…giving blood regularly is a positive step in the right direction too. Here are some interesting facts I learned after giving some of mine.

* Blood donations save up to three lives.
* Only 30% of first-time donors come back a second time.
* Often blood supplies are just 2 days away from running out.
* Every day in the U.S., over 39,000 donations are needed.
* More than 1/2 of the blood needed nationwide is Type O.
* Visit redcrossblood.org or call 1-800-RED-CROSS to schedule your next donation.