The Game of Scrabble — And Other Timeless Tests of Skill and Chance

This past weekend I played Scrabble for the first time in twenty years. Every holiday, I look longingly at the rows and rows of brand-new board games and remember.

When I was young, we made it a yearly habit of playing Masterpiece and Monopoly. Occasionally we’d default to a few others…but these were the faithful, trust and true (timeless) standbys.

When I had kids, we played any number of board games and our closet has the worn, torn, ragged edged boxes filled with partially complete games to prove it.

In the last few years, I’ve felt this desire to revisit some of these relationship building exercises (not because I’m any good at them…I’m not) but because it does help people reconnect (sitting across from individuals for several hours has a tendency to do that).

So, in an attempt to re-enact some fond childhood memories (theirs and my own) I bought a brand new Scrabble game (even though the family cynic said we’d never play it).

Wrong.

We did. And was it ever fun. It was.

As we sat there working our brains trying to come up with the best words for getting the most points, it came back to me how much time and energy it takes to play a good game of Scrabble.

And you learn some things about the people you’re playing opposite.

You quickly figure out who’ll get impatient and just play any word as opposed to those who will hold out for the best and most competitive alternative.

You also learn how much people will stretch to convince you that a questionable word is really a word…and how rules really are sometimes only “guidelines.”

All in all, playing a board game is anything but boring…and the time invested is well-spent.

Which reminds me of good friends…never boring…always worth the investment.

I love Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s take on “timelessly safe friends” and how to spot them.

The authors write –

People who pass the test of time are “timeless” people. They guard your trust as if it were money in the bank. They are stable and reliable in their emotional commitments.

That’s why time-friendly people tend to make fewer emotional commitments. They have a profound understanding of how much time it takes to be there for someone, so they think, deliberate, and pray long and hard before they decide to invest in a relationship. You might think they’re aloof or uncaring. They’re not. They are, instead, unwilling to write bad checks, emotionally speaking.

What a great definition of a great friend. I think next time I get out the Scrabble game, I’ll do my best to make room for “timelessly safe friend” on my board (and in my life).

And FYI, I lost this game by a huge margin (not an easy confession for someone who is as passionate about reading and writing as I am).

One Thousand Gifts – “Life is dessert – too brief to hurry.”

On this Thanksgiving Day, an update (which is sort of a confession). I started making my list way back in May…and I’m only #218 today.

Not that I don’t have much more to be grateful for than 218 reasons for being thankful…I do. I just haven’t been so disciplined about stopping myself long enough to pull out my list and write down whatever it is I am thankful for…

But today…I’m taking time (before company comes…before I set the table…before I dive into my favorite meal of the entire year…) to add a few items to my One Thousand Gifts list.

#219 The positive outcome of my friend’s surgery
#220 Having my son home for the weekend
#221 Enjoying conversations/food/fun with all my kids
#222 A warm house decorated for the holidays
#223 Time to reflect (not rush)
#224 Time to rest (not rush)
#225 Time to give thanks (not take for granted)

I could stop right here…but if I’m smart I won’t…I’ll keep giving thanks all weekend long.

Life is dessert — too brief to hurry. Ann Voskamp

A very good friend gave me an early birthday present. A book. Its title was unknown to me when my friend recommended how rich and savory and flavorful every delicious page was…a vertiable feast for the heart and soul was how I interpreted her enthusiasm for this delightful find. My friend was right. I sat down and read One Thousand Gifts in a single setting (serving). And it was everything my friend promised it would be.

The premise of this book can be found in its title. Voskamp was offered a simple challenge by a friend to begin making a list of 1000 things (every day things, simple things) that she was grateful for…and so she did. This text is the culmination of her list-making and how it changed her life inside out.

Here’s just a brief excerpt of Voskamp’s work…

“The real problem of life is never a lack of time. The real problem of life – in my life – is lack of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving creates abundance and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks - ”

Once I finished reading this text, I started my own list….using a brand new journal from another dear friend who also knows what I love best…anything to do with words.

So far, I’m on #11…. This entry reads – Belgian Milk Chocolate Gelato

Like the author, I’m focusing more on seeing the gifts and giving thanks for them. Also, like Voskamp, it’s changing my hours and days too. I think she says it best here…

“Wherever you are, be all there. I want to slow down and taste life, give thanks.”

Mental Toughness — Why Women Need It

When I was a kid, I used to spend hours (literally) playing all sorts of string games. The great thing about this childhood pastime was that you could do it alone (or with a friend).

It was one of those rare games that was adaptable to playing in a variety of settings (home or school or in the car).

Have string will travel.

Spotting this book photo, I considered how much fun a piece of string can bring when it is….

Knotted tightly.
Cut to a specific length.
Moved in exact, precise positions.
Becomes second nature to execute.

A lot like nurturing a mind that’s characterized by “mental toughness.”

I first heard this phrase used in conjunction with smart, effective caregiving about five years ago when Dr. Foetisch listed the must-dos of taking care of others (from his professional and personal perspective).

I liked the phrase then, I like it even more now.

Though some might balk at women making concerted effort to develop “mental toughness,” I can hardly think of another more valuable commodity.

As times get harder, women don’t have a choice about whether or not they’ll be facing down increasingly more difficult challenges. None. At. All.

Mental toughness is just what the doctor ordered because in today’s world women need to hone that skill of reframing setbacks, losses, disappointments, and heartache by facing them head-on, considering how to move through (rather than avoiding) each one; and finally, intentionally looking for something of value in every circumstance (giving liberal thanks along the way).

What does it look like when women embrace mental toughness?

You never give up.
You are resilient.
You embrace the possibilities, not the problems.
You recognize that everyone is facing a difficult battle (or many).
You keep trying to make a difference one person, task, choice at a time.
You understand that life is a marathon journey of making consistent good decisions every day (all through the day).
You look for the lessons and learn from your mistakes, but aren’t paralyzed by them.
You refuse to be bound by the hurt others have inflicted on you (unintentionally or intentionally).

In short, women who are mentally tough decide to string together all of life’s experiences (the good and bad alike) and draw from each to live life with focused intentionality.

Knotted up or smoothed out, frayed or finely finished, working toward a second nature response to life’s “tangles” is what being mentally tough is all about (and honing this perspective has blessings and benefits of undetermined length).

Navigating Through Life’s Obstacles to Get Where You Want to Be

As I listened to Lauren De Paula (a young gal with amazing vocal talent) share her passion for pursuing her passion (becoming a singer by vocation), I felt her energy, her drive, and her focus. Inside, I was applauding her (and rooting for her to succeed).

So, when I saw this cool announcement of her new song, I was so excited that even now, months after our conversation, her enthusiasm hasn’t dimmed. She’s definitely going for her dreams.

Despite the odds.
Despite the obstacles.

In spite of them, in fact, Lauren is tenaciously making her mark.

That attitude alone is a success story.

I’m confident that Lauren would tell us that her dreams are coming true because she has won over the support of many other influential people who see her potential and are guiding Lauren (navigating her) through the highly competitive music industry world.

Like Lauren, every one of us needs our own personal navigator. We might call them mentors, bosses, professors, employers, or even friends…no matter what name they go by…we all need someone in our corner who’s a bit farther down the road than we are.

We also need to function as a navigator for someone who’s not quite where we are now. One of the key responsibilities of a good navigator is to see far enough ahead to help someone stay on task for the long haul (by helping them achieve smaller steps along the way).

John Maxwell tells would-be navigators how to help people stay on course by —

Teaching them not to listen to doubting critics.
Coaching them not to be overwhelmed by challenges.
Encouraging them to seek simple solutions.
Instilling confidence in them.

Maxwell believes that if navigators will reach out to those they can help with the four principles cited above, they will not only experience the personal satisfaction of having helped another person achieve their goals, they will make friends of those individuals (and friends are the very best commodities, always).

Assist people during their darkest hours, you will make them friends for life.

Guest Post by Patricia Smith — Compassion Fatigue and the Female Caregiver

Compassion Fatigue and the Female Caregiver

By Patricia Smith, Author of To Weep for a Stranger

Founder, Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project

We female caregivers are more likely than our male counterparts to suffer the negative effects of caregiving. Our penchant for caregiving is wrapped up in our survival as a species and most likely in our DNA. If we don’t nourish and protect our young they can die, and continuation of our species would be in grave danger.

While caregiving brings great joy and satisfaction to most of us, this predisposition to caregiving has a down side. We are more prone to place the needs of others before our own needs. If not balanced with authentic, sustainable self-care practices daily, this behavior leads to stress, burnout and possibly compassion fatigue. Stress is all about too much – too much work, too much activity, too much stimulus. Burnout is about too little – too little time, too little interest, too little energy.

Compassion fatigue is a set of symptoms, when left unmanaged, can devastate the life of a female caregiver.

Compassion fatigue takes hold when we experience secondary traumatic stress due to witnessing another’s story of physical, emotional and spiritual pain. Simply put, we strongly relate to that pain and begin to take on another’s suffering as our own. Since relating to others is often valued by females, chances for high levels of compassion fatigue are prevalent among our ranks.

Specific symptoms associated with compassion fatigue are:

· Isolation
· Bottled up emotions
· Persistent sadness and apathy
· Voicing excessive complaints about co-workers and management
· Lack of interest in self-care practices
· Recurring nightmares, flashbacks
· Persistent ailments such as allergies, colds, gastrointestinal problems

The first step in avoiding compassion fatigue is awareness. It is vitally important we know and understand the symptoms are real and, while they never disappear, can be managed when healing occurs. Many of us grew up in the role of family caregiver. Since our formation years were spent on caring for others, we never mastered life skills to protect our own resources – time, energy, finances, etc.

Many of us gave until there was nothing left to give- and then we gave more. The premise of healthy caregiving is this: Fill up, empty out. Fill up, empty out. Those of us at risk for compassion fatigue empty out, empty out, empty out. We never learned to fill up so we have something to give. In the end, we experience depletion of body, mind and spirit.

The art of “filling up” is finding what brings us peace, wholeness and a sense of belonging. This can be something as simple as running, walking in nature, knitting, or riding a bicycle. Whatever it is that we choose to do must be authentic to us – not anyone else. Often it takes work for a lifelong caregiver to figure out her passion.

Step One in rediscovering the authentic self is to practice personal boundaries- when to say yes and when to say no. We must reclaim our resources so we have time to fill ourselves up. Depending on how long we have denied our own needs, this journey can be arduous and difficult. Saying no doesn’t come easy to those of us who value helping others.

One last note: I hear from caregivers worldwide who ask about breaking free of their addiction to technology. Because we love our iPhones, Blackberries, iPads, and pagers, we are now “on call” 24/7, leaving no time to fill up and restore our sanity. Setting boundaries helps. Check email at 9 am, noon and 6 pm only. Limit how much time to spend on your cell phone. Take a complete break from technology on weekends. Find what works for you and practice it regularly. This is our best assurance against stress, burnout and compassion fatigue. By achieving daily authentic, sustainable self-care, we learn that it is possible to provide quality, compassionate care to others while applying quality, compassionate care to ourselves.

My perfect world. Books, books, and more books.

This is a picture of my perfect world.

Books, books, and more books.

I could spend many happy (contented) hours in a room alone with this many books before I would even begin to start feeling lonely.

That said, is this a good or negative admission?

On the one hand, being content is a good thing.

On the other hand, being content to endlessly indulge in my favorite pastime is decidedly selfish if I’m ignoring the needs of others (which I can quite easily slip into doing when I’m overtired, overworked, overcommited, overwrought).

In any or all of these states, being alone can just feel better (and safer).

But it doesn’t make it right.

Driving home the other day (after a day of feeling all of the stated above adjectives) I was listening to a song by Matthew West titled, My Own Little World. While I’ve heard this song a number of times before, something about my exhausted mood collided with the lyrics of West’s message and it challenged me to get past my inclination for surrounding myself with comfort zones (no matter how tired or uncomfortable I am).

West sang these words —

In my own little world it hardly ever rains,
I’ve never gone hungry or always felt safe.
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet.
In my own little world population me.

I try to stay awake through Sunday morning church.
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give ’til it hurts.
And I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see,
It’s easy to do when it’s population me.

Refrain —

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose I could be living right now,
Outside my own little world?

Stopped at a red light looked out my window,
Outside the car, saw a sign said, “Help this homeless widow.”
Just above the sign was the face of a human.
I thought to my myself, “God, what have I been doing?”
So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye.
Oh, how many times have I just passed her by?
I gave her some money then I drove on through
In my own little world, there’s population two.

The song continues on…but his last line hasn’t left me (nor should it).

Give me open hands and open doors…and let me see,
That my own little world is not about me.

Back to the Refrain and then West closes it out —

I don’t want to miss what matters.

Agreed. But what matters most is so easily missed in America (especially here).

The Rough Waters vs. Smooth Sailing of Managing People (and who cares?)

Earlier this week, I read a terrific blog post titled, The Most Powerful Management Trick, by Bradley J. Moore, and one quote stood out to me more than all the rest.

Everyone knows that people don’t leave bad jobs – they leave bad bosses. According to Stanford business professor Bob Sutton , author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, terrible bosses are the number one reason for turnover. So, imagine the implications when someone can’t leave their bad boss because of economic conditions, or a lack of job prospects: they remain miserable and unproductive.

Interesting.

I think too often we watch people leave positions for a variety of reasons which we feel are totally unrelated to their bosses.

People I know who have left paying jobs have done so because —

Their skills don’t get used.
They’re bored.
They’re underpaid.
They don’t like their colleagues.
They don’t see any way to move up or be promoted.
They don’t feel appreciated.
No one ever notices their efforts (or gives them credit for what they accomplish).

In short, they don’t feel “cared” about…

While some of these reasons are valid for leaving a job, who’s to blame?

Is it the employee who is expecting the “perfect” position in the “perfect” environment? (And we all know perfect doesn’t exist.)

Or is it the boss’s responsibility to ensure he creates a workplace setting that allows all of the above (in the positive) to occur?

Moore continues –

When a special-ops Google team known as Project Oxygen surveyed employees to find out what they wanted most from their managers, technical expertise ranked dead last. What employees valued most, they found, were even-keeled bosses who made time for people, who helped solve problems without dictating answers, and who took an interest in employees’ lives and careers.

In other words, people just wanted to know that their manager cared about them.

Now we know, everyone cares about being cared about (it is the most powerful management tool).

Why We Read and Write

We read to know we are not alone.
– C.S. Lewis

Read this quote the other day and wasn’t quite sure I agreed with Lewis. Then I considered his statement and on some levels, yes, I do read to know I am not alone (but not always.)

Sometimes I read for information. For instruction. For help in understanding a complex problem. For advice. For encouragement. For a reason to keep going.

I have lots of reasons for reading.

But, primarily when I write, I have one. For me, wrestling through a problem is often easier when I write about it. The putting pen to paper helps me clarify my thoughts (and in that process I always wonder how what I’ve gone through can help someone else.)

In the same way this old print box is filled with small reminders of memories with my kids, the letters and words I form when writing helps me think better by remembering events accurately and helps me communicate (to myself and others) what I’ve drawn from the experience.

So in some way, both the reading and the writing (first the writing, then the reading it back) do serve to tell me I’m not alone in my struggles and wrestling.

C.S. Lewis was right after all.

We do read to know we’re not alone (knowing we’re all alike on the inside is a great comfort in good times and bad) and reading other people’s stories sometimes get us there.

I like how author Cindy Crosby says it here –

Writing is a way I figure out where I’m struggling. When I journal through a difficult circumstance, or write through a troubled time in my life or about something that I know needs to change, the act of naming it and writing it brings me closer to resolution.

Me too.

Sleep Tight: Putting Your Thoughts to Bed

Whenever I look at children staring off into space, I wonder what they’re thinking.

Playground fun? Cookies? A favorite toy? The sun, moon, and stars?

Who knows?

At that age, children might not be able to articulate exactly what they are thinking about.

As adults, we have the opposite problem.

Most of us know exactly what’s on our minds and can (in excessive detail) describe what’s running through our overworked, over-tired brains (out loud and silently inside our heads).

Some of those thoughts keep us awake at night.

Lately, my sleep cannot be anything remotely described as “sweet slumber” and the last thing dancing through my mind are sugar plums and fairies.

In fact, one of the furthest thoughts in my mind when my head hits the pillow at night is to sleep. Instead, I think and think and think.

With days filled to overflowing with tasks and responsibilities, hurting people facing illness, setbacks, job loss, death and more. My mind just doesn’t shut off. Neither does my body (for it too apparently has a mind of its own) as I am continually fighting internal combustion episodes about every hour as well.

What to do?

It’s always interesting to me that I tend to make problems far more complicated than they are. So while driving recently, I was listening to a new sleep study and one tip caught my attention.

The radio host said, “Learn to put your thoughts to bed…” and then described a number of ways to do this. I half-listened because most of them I already knew…but one suggestion hit me.

The faceless voice recommended making a list during the night, not before you go to bed (we’ve all done that). Rather, when you wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts (and hoping against hope you don’t forget in the morning what you just remembered) jot it down (right then). Sounds too easy doesn’t it?

Somehow though, our brains relax enough to reenter sleep (apparently this is proven from some scientific data), because your mind recognizes (you’ve taken care of business) and you can let it go.

I tried it. It worked.

Yes, I still woke up during the night (more times than I’d like to admit, but fewer than before) but when I jotted down my reminders (this is where my handy iPad2 comes in handy because you flip open the smartcover, it lights up, and you write on the notepad), I fell back asleep faster. Stayed asleep longer. Woke up more refreshed. What’s not to love?

So here’s to trying a simple little trick to trick our minds back into that state of sweet sleep.

Sleep tight.

Embracing an Open Door Policy (All Day, Every Day)

There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to force a door open that’s been slammed shut (literally and figuratively.)

In the always evolving world of publishing there’s lots of talk about doors that open and doors that close (and sometimes we make our next move depending upon where we can wedge the tip of our foot in.) Not always the best theology but it happens to make sense a good deal of the time.

The hard (knock-on-wood hard) truth is unless someone in a position to help us or promote us (or our work) to the powers that be, can wedge a door open for us, there’s little we can do to get in (and through to the other side.)

Which is why cultivating good communication is always the best policy (and the first step in the right direction.)

I like how the CEO of General Electric, Jack Welch, describes the perfect side-by-side individual who understands that above all, relationship investment trumps every other move a person can make.

To step through that next door (personally and professionally,) Welch paints a picture of how individuals move through those connections (doors) in their day-to-day lives.

They go up, down, and around their organizations to reach people. They don’t stick to established channels. They’re informal. They’re straight with people. They make a religion out of being accessible.

It is this open door policy that likewise opens the door of trust amongst people. The more trust is developed between two individuals the more permission is given to lead (or be led) by one another.

As John Maxwell writes – Everyone knows that trust is a building process that takes time, energy, and intentionality.

Finally, once those doors are open and trust is shared, a whole new level of achievement is possible. Equally important (especially during such volatile times as these), an open door policy also offers people shelter in times of difficulty.

James Stockdale says it best here. “When crunch time comes, people cling to those they know they can trust – those who are not detached, but involved.”

Every single day we walk in and out of doors, may we all see the value of keeping ours open out of respect to others. We never know — the next person who steps in might be one of us.