Che bella sorpresa! “What a nice surprise!”

“Accepting the help of others is one of the best and most difficult ways of fostering loving relationships.”

Gary Chapman in Love As a Way of Life

Several years ago, I was pleasantly surprised when I traveled for a second time to Italy that none of the “wow” factor was lost during my return to that beautiful country. Believe me, at almost every turn, I was holding back the words, “Che bella sorpresa!”

Every day, my good friend and I were able to drink in the best Italy had to offer. Truly, it was ten days of moving from one lovely scene to the next…one surprise after the next.

That picture perfect memory was only slightly dimmed by one delay after another en route home. High winds cancelled flight after flight until we were “stuck” in Frankfurt overnight. If you’ve ever traveled overseas, you know how deep the weariness can reach…well, we had experienced the high-highs, now we were experiencing the low-lows of international travel.

Even though we were exhausted when we finally stepped foot back on American soil, the good far outweighed those difficult moments. And we learned an important lesson…how to ask for help in a foreign country surrounded by people who don’t speak our language. And in turn, we learned how to best help other stranded travelers with our newfound knowledge.

It was give and take every step of the way. And to our surprise, people (weary though they were), stepped up gladly to help us get where we needed to go…they also found us housing, fed us, and transported us around town. Relief. Gratitude. We felt them both…and perhaps most important, we learned how to best navigate in uncertain, unfamiliar circumstances.

Though we couldn’t eliminate the element of unexpected, we adjusted as we went along…and it is with that same flexibility that we as care givers must embrace our roles here at home. Plan ahead as much as possible…but learn to make adjustments as you move along.

Eliminate the element of surprise by looking ahead…

One of the best practical steps to take before agreeing to become the primary caregiver to a loved one is to realize the unexpected is likely to occur. Even with the best laid of plans, real life throws us curves. Sometimes a good night’s sleep or a long walk will easily cure these unwelcome visitors. Others will require immediate, determined intervention and may take days or weeks to resolve the issue.

With either scenario, a good attitude, a healthy perspective, as well as the support of others, can make a world of difference. It’s all about choices, those we make for ourselves and for those we care about.

Dr. Foetisch shares on how-to care-give by giving careful consideration –

· Providing care for a sick individual almost always requires more time and resources than most people realize.

· Realize that the level of care can quickly change from minor to constant 24/7-hour care.

· Caregivers need to ask themselves if they are “mentally tough enough” to help with bathing, bathroom, medications and possibly dressing changes or tubes and IV lines.

· Before the caregiver becomes overwhelmed, decide ahead of time when the need for another arrangement will be required such as transfer to a nursing home or hospice facility.

· Plan for unexpected expenses to arise from a variety of sources.

· When caregivers begin feeling frustrated, anxious, or depressed note these as warning signs that the situation must be promptly addressed and responsibilities reduced.

· No one individual should assume the caregiver role without some form of backup, even for a short period of time.

Made to Stick — Ideas That People Fall in Love With (Or Keep Them Coming Back)

You have to admit that seeing an adult wearing (typically) the type of pajamas found only on children and toddlers gets your attention.

But why?

According to authors/brothers of Made to Stick, Chip and Dan Heath, it’s all a matter of encountering the unexpected.

Since most people quickly adapt to patterns, they just as quickly tune out anything that falls into their concept of “normal or regular.”

In order to get an attentive audience (private or public, personal or professional), individuals would do better to work on honing their ability to offer a two-step alternative to what is expected.

The Heath’s suggest implementing the following formula when you need to get your point across (and you need for someone to remember what you said…)

Surprise + interest = stickiness.

1. Surprise gets our attention. Facts (even incorrect ones) can stick if they are presented in a way that shocks the listener out of his preconceived pattern of expectation.

2. Interest keeps our attention. Unexpected ideas are more likely to stick because surprise makes us pay attention and think. That extra attention and thinking sears unexpected events into our memories.

Try to remember the last time you were genuinely surprised. When you do, that event is very likely memorable because of these two factors. Someone surprised you in a way that you did a double-take and were interested enough in figuring out the “whys” behind what happened.

We try to demystify things that surprise us (either to avoid getting caught again or in the hopes of replicating the pleasant encounter in the future.)

The Heath’s conclude that –

“Surprise makes us want to find an answer – to resolve the question of why we were surprised – and big surprises call for big answers.”

Honoring the Game — Demonstrating Basic Respect

As far back as I can remember, my grandfather would sit at the dining room table and listen to the Detroit Tigers play baseball on his transistor radio. If memory serves, the first question anyone would ask my grandfather upon entering the house was, “How are the Tigers doing?”

To my child’s mind, his reply never seemed to be positive and I often wondered why he maintained such a loyalty to an often losing team?

Looking back, I don’t believe it was the team as a whole that my grandfather felt so strongly about…it was individual team players…and could he ever name them. It made a strong impression on me that anyone could recite the players’ names, where they came from, how much the Tigers’ “bought them for,” (as well as their stats)…wow. What breeds this kind of staunch following power?

Authors Chip and Dan Heath term such devotedness as, “Honoring the Game.”

The Heath’s write… “People care about sports, they care about the Game. It’s a way of making the point that the Game and its integrity are larger than the individual participants. Honoring the Game is a kind of sports patriotism. It implies that you owe your sport basic respect.

And Honoring the Game also works for people other than players. It reminds anyone that sports is a civic institution. It’s unseemly to mess with an institution. It’s dishonorable.”

The implication here is that despite a garden variety of people groups that follow a sports team…there exists a spoken/unspoken code about demonstrating respect on/off the field.

Once I read this, I got excited. For the first time in my life, I’m eager to watch the Tigers play a game (and observe the crowd as they act/react.)

Here’s hoping I can see this principle “in play” today.

Getting a Closer Look — It Makes Everything Look Different

During a routine dental cleaning this week, I heard the hygienist say the last words I expected. “You have a cracked tooth!”

No way. At first, I didn’t believe her.

If you crack a tooth, it’s not something you miss. Right?

Wrong. When she got up close and peered into my mouth with her handy little dental mirror, she could see something I couldn’t. Something hidden because it was not in my line of vision.

And because I wasn’t experiencing any pain, I didn’t know what I was missing and or how long it might have gone undetected before an infection set in or some other nasty dental aberration occurred.

Even though I didn’t get the good news I wanted this time around. I did get the news I needed to hear.

This little blip on my physical health checklist got me thinking about how important it is to pay close attention (to get up close and personal) with matters that well, matter.

From a distance people, places, and things can appear fine (or not.) Up close, (for better or worse) everything looks different.

If I only scan the online news headlines, only watch the world news, only listen to national radio…I’m inclined to believe everything I hold dear in regard to my country is disintegrating before my eyes.

But…if I take the time to look closer at some of the facts…everything (or at least some things) looks different (and better.)

Take a look at these facts that frequently fail to make headlines (and are often out of our line of vision) —

* Real per-capita income has doubled since 1960.

* Life expectancy has nearly doubled in the past century and continues to rise.

* The size of the average new home in America has grown from 1,100 square feet to 2,300 today.

* The average Westerner is more prosperous than 99.4 percent of everyone who’s ever lived on earth.

When I read these statistics closely and picture in my mind what it was like for Americans before these were true, I am grateful. Whatever sacrifices I may make (or have to start making), my life here, is something worth celebrating (and worth fighting to protect.)

When my line of vision is focused on what matters; setbacks, disturbances, and even major upsets, can’t alter the facts.

Even our little equals much by the world’s standards.

A Baby in a Basket — When Lifting is Uplifting

I love this photo.
I love the little guy in the photo.
The whole scene makes me smile.
It lightens my load.

But there’s another dimension to this picture we can easily miss.

Parenting is in itself a “load to carry over one’s lifetime” …so how fitting that this baby sits happily in a container usually holding another type of load (laundry.)

With either one, a woman’s carrying weight around day in and day out. One brings joy with every lift, another offers a sense of completing a necessary task.

But both have one thing in common: they’re heavy, sometimes cumbersome, and include a lifetime of repetition.

So whether your task is to lift a baby into your arms or to reach over to remove a load of laundry from the machine, learn to do it properly (because it really is true that a woman’s work is never done.)

Here’s how to lean over and lift up for a lifetime.

Dr. Foetisch Tells Us How to Lift (Any) Load Safely and with Care –

· Try not to lift with the back bent. Use the legs and keep the weight close to your body to reduce strain. Avoid twisting while lifting; use your feet to turn your body.

· A woman should lift no more than 1/3 of her body weight.

· If you begin to develop severe back pain or pain that radiates down one of your legs, stop immediately. Also, if you are not used to repetitive or heavy lifting expect to be sore for the next several days.

· For day-after pain relief, try an over the counter anti-inflammatory if you do not have bleeding problems or sensitivity to this type of medication. Acetaminophen can also be helpful. Applying warm moist heat can be soothing and relaxing as well.

“Change begins with a whisper” — The Help

If a bird is flying for pleasure, it flies with the wind; but if it meets danger, it turns and faces the wind in order that it may fly higher.
Corrie ten Boom

This quote says a lot about the characters in the new film, The Help, where each of the female leads faced what frightened them most by facing their respective dangers head on and not retreating (even though they were scared to death.)

The Help (the movie that will break your heart, mend it, and break it again and again until the final credits roll) has one of the most powerful underlining themes and it’s so subtly understated, some might miss it.

“Change begins with a whisper…”

And does it ever. Throughout this film (which is so multi-layered in its message, one viewing can’t begin to take it all in), the characters face prejudice, disrespect, abuse, rejection (from those they work for, live with, and love/hate.)

This movie isn’t simply about racial prejudice…it goes much deeper.

Watching people dismissing one another (and negating their value as individuals) is heart wrenching. But one can’t deny that everyone has done it.

Perhaps we don’t speak the words aloud, but we all nurse private prejudices within our heart regarding people who are different from ourselves. And once these misconceptions take root, it often takes a mighty storm in our own lives to uproot them once and for all.

While this film forces us to take a good, uncomfortable look at ourselves…it ultimately “helps us” too.

Watching others (even fictional others), give voice to their pain, and then watching them act in courageous ways to change their lives (or a relationship, family, community, or system), empowers everyone around them to do the same.

Listen carefully( and watch closely)…change always begins with a whisper…first in a person’s (heart and mind), then it works itself outward to change a life. Always.

Making a Timely Exchange — Tune Out the Media, Turn on the Smiles

“It takes 13 muscles to smile and 111 muscles to frown.”

Given that interesting medical fact, you’d think we’d all smile more just because it’s easier…or is it?

A free and spontaneous smile is a rare treasure indeed these days…

Why is that?

The truth is…a smile costs us two of our most precious commodities – time and effort and we’re all (too busy and too preoccupied to notice.)

Time – enough to stop, pause, and consider what there is to smile about.

and

Effort – enough to (make the effort) to locate and then think about what there is to smile about.

Because according to author Kalle Lasn…we Americans have advocated both of the above and that’s a very sad thing indeed.

Are you frowning yet?

Lasn writes that when individuals forfeit their time and put all their efforts into accumulating what “other” people dictate, they might as well let the frowns show on their faces because it means they finally understand what they’ve lost.

Lasn’s words –

“American culture is no longer created by the people. A free authentic life is no longer possible in America today. Our emotions, core values and personalities are under siege from media and cultural forces too complex to decode. A continuous product message has woven itself into the very fabric of our existence. Most North Americans now live designer lives. Sleep, eat, sit in a car, work, shop, eat, watch TV, sleep again. I doubt there’s a more than a handful of free, spontaneous minutes anywhere in the cycle. We ourselves have been branded.”

If what Lasn suggests is true (and I believe it is…) then a frown is in order until we step back (and take back) the direction of our lives, the time of our lives.

Simple question —

Ever wonder why thinking about going on vacation puts a smile on your face?

In a word.

Time.

We envision lots of free time, lots of fun times, lots of time to do nothing at all (or anything we choose)…and the energy to enjoy every single minute of it.

Picture it. Time to choose…what we choose.

Beautiful thought (with no commercial interruptions).

Brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.

The Scariest “What If?” Questions of All

“Live your life as though your every act were to become a universal law for all people.” Emmanuel Kant

Scary.

If we were all the same…life would be boring.

If we all acted the same…our world might be better (or not.) Depending (on me and you asking good questions.)

IF. For a two-letter word it’s a mighty powerful one.

Author Brian Tracy suggests asking ourselves four great “IF” questions (and then keep asking throughout life.)

1. What kind of world would this be if everybody in it were just like me?

2. What kind of a country would my country be if everyone in it were just like me?

3. What kind of a company would my company be if everyone in it were just like me?

4. What kind of a family would my family be if everyone in it were just like me?

To Tracy’s questions, I’d like to add another…

What kind of change could I make if I asked myself each of these questions?

Post a Note — Sentiments That Stick

I was telling a good friend how much I’d been appreciating reading two books on gratitude…the kind of gratitude that is not dependent upon having good things happen or experiencing favorable circumstances.

In other words, developing an attitude of gratitude that “sticks” no matter what.

This friend (whom I am always so grateful for…) recommended another book on the same theme called 365 Thank Yous by John Kralik.

The timing of this book was perfect because this author, a lawyer, discusses his 15 months of sending out 365 thank-yous to different people who touched his life and how it changed him forever.

Recognizing that time was slipping away from me and soon I’d be in recovery mode for a while (and unable to write with my left hand), I decided the month of August would be my month to send thank-yous.

Reading about Kralik’s inner transformation as he began (very uncomfortably at first) to come up with people/things/events for which to give thanks…sparked in me some forgotten (people/things/events) for which I was grateful but had forgotten to say, “Thank you,” to the people responsible for bringing good into my life.

As Kralik writes, “I did not view writing thank-you notes as a self-help system, nor did I view it as a new, positive psychological method to delude myself into believing that my life is better than it really is or to cultivate an artificial state of well-being. This is just an exercise in average good manners. At the risk of making an unscientific and directly moral statement, I will say writing thank-you notes is a good thing to do and makes the world a better place. It also made me a better man. More than success or material achievement, this is what I sought.”

Throughout this book, Kralik is continually amazed at the power of a simple written, “thank-you,” and how it totally changed him (on the inside) and his relationship with the recipients of his expressions of thanks. Whenever he wrote and shared his “thanks” it “stuck” and everyone was the better for it.

Kralik has pretty much mastered the art of writing a thank you note…but he gives one primary suggestion for everyone to follow.

“The one sure piece of advice I have on how to write thank-yous is this: write a lot of them.”

Riding Along with Mat Kearney (and Other Cultural Voices)

A few years’ back, I was riding in my car with my shoulder in a sling and my daughter (driving) put in a new cd she assured me I would love (because this daughter, like all my kids, tell me the same thing every time they get into my car).

“Get some new music, Mom!”

To which, I promptly ignore their comments and turn the volume up…a little.

Why should I replace favorites (ones that have driven miles and miles and hours upon hours with me) …with some new tunes it’ll take me a while to become accustomed to and really love?

I think my kids are wrong…new isn’t always better. I like the familiarity of those lyrics that help me relax when I’m tired; encourage me when I’m down; and give me some perspective when I’ve lost mine.

But my daughter was right, the cd she popped into my stereo has become one of my favorites (and one of my favorite artists).

With his third album release, Young Love, Mat Kearney’s winning fans over left and right (young and old(er)…)alike.

If I were writing a music review of his first two releases, I’d give him five stars…the highest recommendation possible.

Why? Because Kearney’s a master storyteller. Even at his young age, he’s been able to identify and then capture the human struggle so accurately. Even more impressive is that Kearney’s lyrics draw listeners in…gives them lots to consider…then supplies some uplift.

This is tougher than it sounds…given Kearney songs deal with drugs…alcohol…fatal car accidents…abuse…loneliness…heartache…relationships gone bad…fear…it is no simple task to transform awful into an awful good life lesson. But he does it (well).

If you haven’t changed up your music lately, let me recommend to you –

Nothing Left to Lose Kearney’s 1st release

and

City of Black & White Kearney’s 2nd release

I’m ordering his 3rd release now.